The best is yet to come

At least I bloody well hope so! Over the last week or so, if a thing could go wrong, then wrong it has gone!

I already have a broken arm, which is still painful and for which I need an x ray. I also need other appointments and whilst the healthcare in Italy is great, the appointment system is less so. Go to your GP, get a ‘prescription’ for an appointment with the relevant specialist. Then you have to go to something called the CUP, which is an office where the central system is for appointments. Get your appointment and then go on the scheduled date. The problem is that each of these steps can take a few minutes or a few hours and you never know, it depends on various factors, so you have to essentially leave half a day, just in case, which is not ideal when you are working and less so when you are self employed.

Anyway, I have the prescriptions for blood tests (needed for my ADHD psychiatrist who is trying to find a solution to my overactive brain when I am asleep and therefore not getting good sleep, as well as for my diabetes consultant. Another for an x-ray. Another for a gynaecologist to sort out the unholy mess that is my HRT and peri menopause (long story for another day).

I should have been going to the CUP on Monday but spent all day asleep on and off, feeling like I had some kind of virus. I didn’t, it is something that happens on occasion thanks to the gift of peri menopause. I am exhausted and depressed, anxious and debilitated, and can’t eat or frankly do anything. This usually lasts about a day and a half, so on day two I can get up and eat but barely function. It’s like all the old depressive episode symptoms once again, which I have not been having of late. It also brings with it guilt. Guilt about missing work, my husband having to take care of everything, about being a misery, about not being able to just get over it and so on. Oh, and tears, of course. Cue today and I am back to my normal self, just like that.

One of our dogs is also poorly. He has a skin condition and needs meds for 28 days, but he also needs to be isolated from the other two for 10 days, which sadly means isolated from us. It has been 5 days and I hate it. He’s my baby. He was a street dog in the village and he came to me and we bonded and he became ours. I miss him and feel so guilty because he doesn’t understand why he can’t be in the house with us. I go out and give him treats and cuddles and his pills, but I miss him. He has a weather proof area and an area to run around in, but it’s not the same. Especially when we had thunderstorms and he is scared. So is one of the other dogs though, so she managed to keep us awake for hours last night because she was ‘pacing’ around, including up and down the bed, all night.

Not good for my husband who is not well either. He suffers terribly from hayfever and we go away around this time of year for three weeks so he can avoid the worst of it, which up until now has been a success. This year less so. He can’t breathe at night and is having to use his inhaler, but last night he coughed, stood up to get his inhaler and collapsed. He went down like a tree and had a very mini seizure, came around and was ‘fine’ (he would say that if he had actually been hit with a tree mind you). The table on which the kettle stands fared less well however and now we need a new one. For those who are concerned, the kettle was thankfully unharmed. This may have been a week of disasters but that might have tipped me over the edge.

Add to this that I had to reschedule client training because I was prompted to change my password for one work laptop, and it wouldn’t let me, so I couldn’t access Teams, resulting in many apologies to the client and much swearing to myself and we have had new laptops for another firm I work with but the docking unit decided to pack up on day two and the only solution is to send me a new one. I have long believed IT hates me, and it seems I was right.

Add to that many other niggles, usual life admin, having to manage with a still very sore broken arm, cancelling my diabetes consultant for this week, because I would not have had my blood results because . . . see above. To top it all off, I started to watch a show where a vital point was reached that I knew was coming, and frankly I was glad because it was getting a bit ‘why are we still waiting for this, we all know it is going to happen’ and plot twist, the buggers initiated a plot where the action goes back in time to just before this happens and so the person who found out something crucial no longer knows it! My ADHD (the OCD part) is unlikely to say don’t watch anymore, so I will have to watch it whilst grinding my teeth I suppose.

Anyway, is it all doom and gloom? Oddly, not quite. It did seem that way for a while there, less doom than being doomed, but today was indeed another day and the sky has not yet fallen in, the kettle is working, and my lovely husband bought me Healthy Happy ADHD to read, by Lisa Dee. I have even managed to keep two house plants alive of late, and I once killed a spider plant. Even when it seems all bad, rarely it is really ALL bad.

Another fond farewell

Today I had my final session with my psychologist. I didn’t get emotional, at least not at the time, but on reflection, I was somewhat sad. Not because I wasn’t ready to go it alone, but because it’s hard to say goodbye to someone who has become a supporter and champion for you. Someone who has been in your corner and made you see things about you that you were blind to, usually good things.

The thing is, I am well, whatever that might mean. Well is a word with many meanings. For me, I am no longer angry about my past, although I still am sometimes, but I know why and am able to process it, to understand it, allow it and not let it eat away at me. I can cope better with life, having been able to process complex trauma, understand my PTSD, and thanks to her, I now know I have ADHD which has explained so much about my life up to this point.

She made me feel validated for feeling the way I feel about events from my past, and understand that little me deserved better and that I, adult me, am deserving and worthy of good things.

Today has been a prime example. Having just returned from a three week holiday around the Balkans, with a broken arm! Day two of the holiday, on the way to breakfast, I slipped down four very old stone steps and broke the fall with my arm. Cue a trip to A&E in Split, Croatia and a cast. I can highly recommend Split A&E, should you ever need it! I had a check up in Bosnia and the cast off after two weeks in Albania. Again, all treatment was fantastic.

I could have let this ruin the holiday. It meant there were certain things that I could not do; swim, go zip lining and try paddle boarding, but the holiday was still great nonetheless. Yes, I was in pain some of the time, and still am, and more tired than I might otherwise have been, but there is no doubt that all the work I have done with various therapists over the years has made me more resilient. Not resilient because I have had to be, but resilient in the face of challenges. Accepting challenging circumstances without spiralling into a deep depression.

I digress. Today the example was life admin. I needed to renew my passport, make an appointment for an x-ray check up, sort out the complete instability of HRT by getting an appointment with a different gynaecologist, make an appointment with the vet, send info to my ADHD psychiatrist about my sleep, arrange for blood tests for my next diabetes check up, and all in Italian. This on top of getting to grips with over 500 work emails after three weeks away. The point being, that it did not send me into a tail spin. I had a minor wobble when one more thing came up in the midst of all this and my brain was overloaded, but I managed. To me, this is remarkable, because not all that long ago the idea of life admin would have completely overwhelmed me and I might have been able to do one of those things, but not all.

Add to this that yesterday, after catching up with work and chores, I was in pain with my arm and tired, and so I took a nap, and didn’t feel guilty about it at all!

This might last, it might be temporary, but it feels as though I know there will be shit days, however, I can cope. I can prioritise self care. I can have days where I ask for help, or just do the bare minimum. And that’s OK.

The good news for my husband is that my arm is improving, and so I can do more today, whereas two weeks ago he was having to shave under my arms for me! Now that’s love!

For anyone interested in the trip, we started in Ancona and got the ferry Split. From there we drove to Dubrovnik, then Mostar, followed by Sarajevo and Belgrade. Then we moved onto to North Macedonia, to Skopje and then through Kosovo to Albania. We finally had some down time in Albania, but took the opportunity to nip across to Corfu for the day. There were plenty of stops along the way too. I may blog about the trip separately one day!

So, to end, if you ask how I am doing, I will let this photo tell you. This was our customs clearance from Albania to Corfu.