A fate better than death

It has been a long time since I wrote a blog. Lots of reasons, both practical and less so. One reason is that two months ago we left the UK behind and made the permanent move to Italy. That’s where this blog begins.

Moving abroad was, in many ways, much easier than you might think, and in other ways very difficult, but regardless, it is stressful. Sorting out all the life admin stuff, transporting five pets, selling the house in the UK, and timing everything! We already had the house in Italy and it was liveable, which helped, as we didn’t have to rely on the movers getting here for us to be able to live in the house at least. We had also bought an Italian car already, which we would drive across with the two dogs.

One of the views from our house

The stress before we moved had been mounting up. We both had to become self employed, for legal and tax reasons, as we were going to be Italian, rather than UK, tax payers and residents. For me this meant completely new working arrangements, consultancy contracts, tax and legal advice from Italy and the UK.

We had to get all the pets checked, vaccinated, and ready to travel. I had to have various medical appointments for prescriptions and health checks so I had time enough to make the transition when we arrived in Italy. We had various get togethers to say our goodbyes. Then of course paperwork, movers, more paperwork etc,.

My lists just kept getting longer and longer, as did my worries of course. What had I forgotten? Would the cats be ok flying over?Would all our stuff get here in one piece? Would my work still be there for me? Had I cancelled all the UK bills? Was there anyone I had forgotten to tell? And so on. And, although there wasn’t that much keeping us in the UK, sadness, nostalgia and tears at leaving friends, and my little home.

My little home

The stress also meant that my husband and I were individually stressed too, which can make for being snappy and irritable and not having time to spend together. My mental health was not brilliant, and in addition to depression and anxiety and type 1 diabetes, I’m peri menopausal (HRT has helped), and as a result my physical health was being left at the back of the queue. It is always the first thing to go when my mental health is poor, looking after myself, and as a type 1 diabetic, this is dangerous. It’s almost a form of self harm, as though I’m not worthy to be taken care of, as well as thinking, if I just power through *this* I’ll start to take care of myself afterwards. The problem is, there is always a *this* to power through.

Anyway, we made it. The highs and lows of the process and journey will be for another blog. Friends had decorated the house as a welcome home, we had meals and drinks, and were planning for Christmas and beyond with our new life in the Italian countryside. One week into our Italian life, it all came crashing down, and my self neglect and the stress meant my immune system said enough.

It started with stomach ache. But not stomach ache like I’ve ever known it. Nothing helped and it was excruciating. I wondered about appendicitis or an ulcer, but then thought, bollocks, DKA. All the symptoms pointed to DKA.

We drove to A&E, all the while the pain intensified. In the waiting room, I was in a wheelchair, and the agony increased, that’s when they rushed me in for treatment. I don’t remember all of it. I had an EKG, a scan, a catheter was fitted and my stomach pumped. I remember bits of it, like pulling the tube out twice, and being incredibly thirsty but unable to drink, and screaming in pain. My husband says after that I was totally incoherent.

I was in hospital for just over a week, on various drips and constant poking and prodding and needles everywhere. It was about three days before I was aware of where I was and what had happened. Turns out I nearly died. The staff and my husband spent twenty hours frantically trying to keep me from slipping into a coma. I didn’t appreciate how close it was, or how frightening, until days afterwards. At the time I had no idea, aside from the occasional doctor or nurse coming to make sure I was still conscious. It’s terrifying in hindsight.

I had to give up the idea of going back to work for a month. I had to recover. For weeks I couldn’t do anything much except rest. We went back to A&E once because the treatment I had had made me swell up after I had been discharged. I had to go to appointments with various consultants for various things and procedures. I still have to go for an endoscopy. Christmas was a fairly sedate affair and my husband’s mum joined us for a couple of weeks, which was nice because it meant I got out of the house, even if only to see some nice scenery. I had plenty of rest days in between. For the first time in a long time, I listened to my body and stayed home when I needed to, instead of my usual ‘I’ll be fine, let’s go’ attitude, whilst knowing full well I wouldn’t be.

Since then however, there have been further disasters and crises. I have been sick again, despite following doctors’ orders. One of our dogs became really ill whilst my husband was away and it looked as though she wouldn’t make it. Lots of other little things that could go wrong, did go wrong. My mental health reached breaking point. I haven’t been able to go back to work, which was one thing I was holding onto for a bit of normality and routine. But I have to listen to what my body and mind are telling me.

One thing I did do, for the first time ever I think, I reached out. I asked for help. My husband came back from his trip, friends took over some chores for me, I talked to friends about how I was feeling and that I was at breaking point. And, who knew, reaching out and asking for help, helped! I was not as alone as I felt. It’s still hard because I feel like a burden, and I feel guilty, and of course I feel like I should have been able to deal with it all on my own.

The truth is, since arriving, because of all of the various disasters, I have yet to feel at home here. I feel unsettled in myself and in my relationships. I haven’t been able to establish any sort of routine, or so many of things I intended because of my poor health. Everything feels harder than it would if I were well and things were normal. It’s not about being in a new country, or that I don’t have a support network here; in many ways we are more at home here than we ever were in the UK, it’s the upheaval of my mental and physical health which has thrown me off kilter. That and the fact that I haven’t been able to do the things I wanted to. I get frustrated when I am feeling well enough to know what I could be doing but not well enough to do them, and it feels as though I am wasting precious time.

However, I also want to live a long and happy life here. My neighbour is my role model. She is 85 and still chopping her own firewood, I want to be that able when I am her age. In order to do that I need to let my body work at its own pace. I want to get strong again, but if I force it, it will have the opposite effect. Irony thou art a heartless bitch …

So, here we are. Not the best start to a new life, one which I expected to be interspersed with some difficulties, just not that many, or that hard, or all at once. No doubt there will be more, but if I listen to my body and mind, ask for help, and keep talking to people, I might just be strong enough so that they don’t seem as challenging as they otherwise might.

Another view from our house

Gender bias

Plenty of people do not believe in gender bias. Despite pay gaps and pink taxes and violence against women. Maybe they don’t want to see it, maybe be they are not looking for it, maybe they don’t care. Or, maybe, they haven’t come across it.

Here’s an example of gender bias that might not be immediately obvious and maybe it will give a little food for thought about the less obvious forms and get people to be on the lookout for it.

I have a private health care policy. I have this because my husband’s employer kindly extends the policies it uses for its employees to spouses. So, whilst it’s my policy, it’s not through me or my employer.

I saw my doctor a while ago about peri menopause. I was prescribed HRT but after many months it hadn’t made any difference. His answer? Come off HRT but there’s nothing else I can do for you. Not exactly helpful but not exactly unexpected either sadly (it is an issue that, whilst talked about a lot recently, is still not understood, or indeed something which necessarily forms part of medical training).

So, I called my health insurer using a service where you can speak to a GP at any time. I called and she was incredibly helpful but, suggested I use the other GP service my health care provider offers, which is a video call with a GP. The reason for this is that the GPS on the telephone service can’t prescribe, those on a video call can.

To book an appointment I needed to use the web service or the app. I log on, follow the instructions and it asks me to verify my ID. This is where the problem starts.

My passport is in my maiden name. My policy is my married name. I don’t have a driving licence. I can’t verify my ID because of the discrepancy in surnames. So, I call the support line assuming that I can email them a copy of my marriage certificate. Nope.

After several calls and explanations about third party data checkers, I am told I have two choices. Get my husband to contact his HR department to change the policy into my maiden name for 24 hours, allowing me to get the appointment, then changing it back to my married name. Great, a shit tonne of admin on behalf of someone who is not even an employer.

Second option; change my passport. Great, I get to fork out £80 and wait a couple of months before I can get an appointment, plus I’m moving abroad shortly and so will need my passport. My European residency certificate, tax etc,. is all in my maiden name, so it’s just a non starter. It’s not as though I’m trying to get an appointment in three months either, if I didn’t want one soon I wouldn’t have bloody called!

So, my appointment is for something which only affects women. There’s that.

I pointed out that I cannot be the only person with this issue and am told, no, I am not. Others have all been told the same thing. It’s then that I point out the gender bias.

Generally only women change their names when they get married. Because I have done so, but not on my passport, I cannot access a health care plan which my husband’s employer is paying for and for a medical problem particular to women. The apparent inability for them to use a marriage certificate as confirmation, because they have no override for such things, means that the verification system is gender biased.

One women I spoke to said she couldn’t do anything, but she could lodge a complaint. She also said she hadn’t considered the bias against women, and now she had, she couldn’t not consider it. I received a call after the complaint but despite that, the result was the same. They are looking into it but will also pass on the comments about gender bias.

This might seem unimportant, but this highlights the type of unnoticed gender bias women can be subjected to; the unintended consequences of some IT system has meant that I have been unable to access medical care, because I chose to take my husband’s name but not update my passport, a problem I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t taken his name. So choices curtailed, health care inaccessible, peri menopause symptoms untreated. And rant over.

Just a note. This blog refers to men and women for ease, to make the point and in reference to my experience only.

Change the narrative

I have been so appalled and angered at the various responses to the murder of Sarah Everard and how we as women should find ways to deal with our own safety. Over the years I have been alive it shows that attitudes have not changed one iota. It’s the same rhetoric, with no ideas or plans for any real reform, or looking at the root cause of the behaviour of perpetrators.

For my money, it’s about education. It’s about changing the narrative of how women are viewed, treated, respected. It seems to me that the role of women in society is the same as it ever was, despite the hard work that is being done, by women that is. Where are the, largely white, middle aged male, politicians crowing for change? Why are women’s lives seen to be of less value? How, in 2021, are men seemingly still entitled to see women as objects, as having to capitulate to the demands of men? Seen as somehow inferior when it comes to having equal rights to live our lives in the same way as men do, with more freedom? Why are we responsible for not getting assaulted, abused or raped?

I appreciate that sounds as though I am saying that all men see or treat women this way. I am not, but the figures do not lie. I understand that 80 women have been killed in the UK, by men, since Sarah’s murder. Most women are assaulted, raped, murdered by people they know, or people they trust (which would include the police). Whatever defence is put forward about ‘not all men’ this cannot be a coincidence and that is why we need to look into the root cause of such behaviour by men towards women and relationship imbalances generally between men and women in society.

To be blunt. The narrative is ‘women, don’t walk down a dark street late at night’ instead of ‘men, don’t rape women’ the narrative is, frankly, a horror show. Yes, it’s more complex than that, but in a nutshell, as a women, if I walk home in the dark and something happens, I’m blamed. Not the arsehole who assaults me. His actions become my fault and it’s sickening.

The statements by the police refer to Sarah being wholly blameless. As opposed to what exactly? How could she have been even partly to blame? Of course that question has also been answered by making reference to women being more ‘streetwise’ or not submitting to arrest by a lone officer (absolute bollocks of course, you assume a police office is doing his job, and people generally trust authority), or (even more bollocks) flag down a fucking bus …

I’ve seen all sorts of ‘advice’ for women about lone policeman, so maybe a partial solution is no more lone policemen, except of course that costs money, recruiting more officers etc,. which is clearly more important than the cost of a life. One problem with this of course is that it is after the fact now.

I am just so tired of the rhetoric around this, here are some tips to make yourself safer. I don’t want tips, I want to not have to be entirely responsible for the actions of another. It has gone on too long. She was wearing provocative clothing, she was drunk, she was walking in a dark street, she was raped. No. He raped her. End of. It’s hard to find the words to say just how unacceptable this attitude is. Instead of women do this, why are we not saying men don’t do that. I know that won’t prevent 100% of anything but it would go some way to prevention. Attitudes must change. Victims are not the problem, abusers are.

This makes me both angry and sad. Again it seems that it’s down to us women to take action, to try to do things for our own safety.

Is it good advice? Yes. Would it help prevent something happening by asserting these points? Possibly. Could it make a women feel a little more safe in this situation, knowing these tips? Probably.

However, the problem isn’t what women do or do not do for their own safety, the problem is they shouldn’t have to. The system needs to change, not the actions women have to take.

It’s age old. Don’t wear provocative clothes, don’t walk alone at night, let people know where you are, don’t get drunk, don’t get out of your car, and on and on and on. However this won’t necessarily stop male violence against women, education, equality, a change in how we deal with victims, they are the things that need to change for the system to work in favour of women, instead of against.

No matter what a women does or doesn’t do, there can be no defence or mitigation for the kind of violence we are seeing. It never makes it right.

The narcissist and divorce

Recently, after a long period of silence, my husband’s ex narcissist has been back on the scene, spouting the same crap that she has been for seven years. Most of the time I ignore it, but sometimes I feel as though I have a right to reply and set some things straight, as well as use our experience as a cautionary tale for others about the lengths a narcissist will go to to play the victim.

Specific request was made by her as part of the divorce settlement that the pets became her sole property, this also means that they became her sole responsibility. In any divorce, if you request this, you need to make sure you have the resources to take care of them. This is especially true if they are elderly because they have greater needs and the ability to recover the cost of treatment from insurance decreases as they age.

My husband is being accused of ‘killing’ an elderly pet by his ex because of costs. They divorced 4 years ago (that’s when it was finalised, it was 3 years of hell prior to that) and she explicitly stated he would never see the pets again and that it was written into the final divorce papers.

We would (and indeed asked several times during the divorce) have taken the pets and given them a home. It was made very clear that that was never going to happen. We have six pets of our own and make sure they are well looked after, and make provision to ensure that would remain the case if our circumstances were to change. They are a priority. He was asked once if he would have them, for affordability reasons, minutes after saying yes, received an abusive and explicit message saying he would never see them again. He was heartbroken at leaving them and she used them as a pawn during the divorce.

This. This is how a narcissist works. Whatever the outcome, no matter if they are the architect of the circumstances, it is someone else’s fault and problem. I’m sure she did everything she could for the pet, but ultimately it was a small breed and had lived for many years, and clearly was taken ill, no blame, just the circle of life. But that’s not enough when you can use it as an excuse to lash out at someone and it’s appalling to think that an animal’s death is being used for a continuation of narcissistic supply.

It has been used as an excuse to get in touch (the police dealt with it as criminal proceedings had been undertaken over the years) and to open old wounds, again for narcissistic supply, presumably because no other supply has become available, no friends, boyfriend, scapegoat. It has also been used to tell some new, and quite spectacular lies.

Whilst this is giving in to the demand of a narcissist having a tantrum and providing that clearly much needed supply, I wanted to make the point, because it goes to show that years can pass and a narcissist never moves forward. Bear this in mind when you leave one and take all steps you can to plan and prepare yourself mentally and emotionally, to cope with this sort of thing when it rears its head just when you thought it was over.

Narcissists will try to convince people that they are the victim

She now, after seven years claims she was gaslighted. This is classic projection, using what she did to my husband to claim it was the other way around; classic gaslighting. Being made to feel crazy is a primary tool in the narcissists bag of tricks. You cannot claim to have been gaslighted and also put in a position where you had to take charge. People do not want victims to be in charge, if you ‘had ‘ to take charge, you are likely controlling, not the victim.

Narcissists feel entitled and above the law

If a party to a divorce has medical insurance as a benefit through a spouse’s employment, once separated they are no longer entitled to it due to the terms and conditions of the policy. Especially when that policy was abused before it was cancelled, to the tune of £10K as a tool to try to extort money from said spouse by trying to find an illness which would fit the criteria for spousal support despite no such illnesses prior to the separation. Narcissists plan carefully to make their victims pay if they ever have the audacity to leave and get away from the financial control they were under. Employers also don’t like everyone’s premiums being raised due to a vengeful ex making vexatious claims.

She claims my husband used a contact in the police to have her arrested. This contact actually lives hundreds of miles away and in a different police area. He simply reported the crime in the usual way and she was duly arrested and charged.

Narcissists will claim to have nothing, because they want you to believe the sob story about their destitution and abandonment, even when you have evidence that they have significant five figure sums in an account they tried to hide. If that had been spent, it was done in a matter of months, so on what? Oh yes, fancy computers for the office and lobster lunches, at the workplace the existence of which was consistently denied, despite evidence.

Getting over £6k a month for a year and then over £2k a month for longer is hardly leaving someone without provision. Perhaps if they had chosen to live more frugally and not insist they were entitled to continue to live in a really expensive area, they could have managed better. Maybe take public transport instead of cabs, stop eating out and learn to cook, don’t buy Louis Vuitton iPad cases, shop in cheaper supermarkets, wash your own hair, just a thought.

If there isn’t an excuse for their behaviour, narcissists will do all they can to find one

Why do narcissists always exaggerate? Because they feed off drama and think that it makes their version of events more tragic, more sympathetic. It turns the tables so they look like the victim. This one was not fighting for her life. When she was supposed to have been at death’s door, she was in fact signing a tenancy for business premises, for a business she denied having, even going as far as setting up a new business to hide the fact. Sadly her tracks were not very well covered. She claimed to have life threatening illnesses. She was given treatment but surprisingly never got any better. She claims this is because she was one in a million, or more likely she was faking it. She also blames the morphine for her actions but having been on a cocktail of morphine and other drugs recently for a badly broken arm, it was just another excuse to justify abhorrent behaviour.

There are no lengths to which a narcissist will not go, especially when it comes to blatant lies

The threats of suicide and claims of overdose. Don’t get me wrong, ordinarily I would take these seriously, however that’s much harder to do when they have been used as a method of control and more so when you use a family member to tell your ex husband you are dead, when you are in fact not. It kind of makes such claims less than credible. Presumably he was supposed to rush to the hospital and be grateful she was alive and realise he didn’t want to lose her, rather than be angry about lying about being dead.

More recently she claims we entered her home, went through her things and (ridiculously) stole her pot plants. This is pure fabrication. Why on Earth would we travel hundreds of miles for that? She wouldn’t even let my husband in their shared home to collect his belongings. I have only been ever been anywhere near this woman in a courtroom in criminal proceedings and outside of the courtroom in civil proceedings. I was, rightly so, not allowed in the courtroom for the divorce proceedings.

She claims colleagues of ours have contacted her, saying we are unhappy and horrible. No one we know would have ever contacted her. We have not one person in common other than my husband and everyone in our life was very supportive during the years of hell she put us through. This claim is always followed by the fact that ‘people’ (imaginary) have told her I am threatened because she is, in her own words, smarter and prettier than I am. This is nothing more than trying to gaslight me and also trying to deal with her own insecurities which manifest once a narcissist has been rejected, is getting older and hasn’t been able to source a new victim.

She had been telling my husband and others for years that she was a solicitor and was somewhat irked when it turned out that I am a solicitor and so easily dismantled this lie. She uses legal terminology that she doesn’t understand and has tried to claim that I have broken professional regulation, which is not remotely true. She claims I destroyed her career (the one she denied having throughout the divorce in a bid to hide assets) however that’s not the case. Any chance she had she destroyed herself by breaching professional standards by her duplicity and by illegally claiming to be regulated by the legal professional body.

They will reinvent facts

Claims that she asked for an amicable divorce are somewhat undermined by thousands of text messages and social media posts threatening to destroy him, get revenge, using foul language and insults and resulting in a restraining order because even the judge said that her behaviour was not merely that of someone going through a tricky divorce.

She constantly undermines her own story. She claims to be a victim and yet also says she hated my husband for most of their marriage and yet she continued to string him along, because of what she could get out of it, in an act of cruelty. It’s ultimately the teenage horror of being dumped and trying to say you were the one who did the dumping or asking someone out, being turned down and then saying you were not interested anyway.

The narcissist’s history will not represent yours. They will continue the gaslighting far beyond the end of the relationship. You just have to remind yourself that you know the truth.

Are you paying attention?

In a recent meditation session I led, we focused on paying attention to and focusing on yourself, your breath, your body, your tasks, whatever it may be.

It is almost ingrained in us that if we are only doing one thing at a time, we are not doing enough. Multitasking has become a sign of productivity however, mindfulness can teach us that productivity is not only measured in terms of how many things we do, or roles we play, but can be measured in the attention and focus we give to tasks. Often paying attention leads to better responses or actions, more carefully thought out and more measured. This in fact makes us more productive, because our minds are not scattered, and instead of partially concentrating on many things, we concentrate on each one thing. This can have the effect of doing things well, instead of just doing them to get them done and risking having to go back to them because we have missed something, or we have made an error.

Case in point. I sent out the invitations for my sessions and got distracted when doing so, which meant I ended up setting one of the sessions for the wrong day, which meant I had to cancel that invitation, send a new one and send an email to everyone explaining. Had I not been distracted, it would have resulted in less activity, therefore saving me time which I ended up wasting because of my own inattentiveness. Sure, three or four emails might look more productive, if we are judging that based on output, but clearly it was not actually productive as it took time away from other things that I could have been doing.

So, how do we shift from the mindset of multitasking to one of focus? We have to learn to pay attention. This is not just in relation to tasks, but to the everyday things. Pay attention to the view from your window, the sound your keyboard makes when you type, the sound of the birds (I noticed today that our resident magpies have not only the usual magpie noises, but a kind of whistle which sounds like a swannee whistle). There is some ‘homework’ at the end of this, as an exercise in focus and attention.

One of the other aspects of attention and focus, is autopilot. We have all had those days where we started doing one thing, got distracted and did lots of other things and then realise we hadn’t done the thing we started to do. We have each of us made our way home, or to the shops, cooked a meal, cleaned the house, and not having a clear memory of it.

One example of the consequences of not paying attention and being on autopilot is where you switch on your PC to send an email. You get distracted and lured into doing other things, or answering other emails. You get to the end of the day and switch your PC off. You then realise you didn’t send that one email you meant to! The consequence of this is that you now have to switch your PC back on, and when you do, there will be new emails, which are likely to suck you in. This is of course not what you intended to be doing.

When you start to be more mindful, or more present, you will notice that you get distracted. That’s OK, we are not aiming for never being distracted, that would be almost impossible, we are aiming for recognition. Recognising when we are not paying attention, when we are not focused, when our mind wanders. This is the first step, recognition. It is once we begin to recognise this that we can start to bring our attention to the present. One of the easiest ways to do this is to focus on your breath, from the start of the inhale, following its journey through the body, right to the end of the exhale. Each time you recognise that you are distracted, or your mind wanders, acknowledge that it has happened, and gently bring yourself back to your breath. We are most definitely not looking to scold ourselves for getting distracted, it happens, and scolding yourself for it will only bring with it further distractions, usually in the form of negative thoughts. The more we recognise, and the more we gently bring ourselves back to the breath, the more we learn to respond, rather than react.

If asked, what is mindfulness, Jon Kabat Zinn describes it as:

The awareness that emerges through paying attention

On purpose

In the present moment

Non judgementally

To things as they are

I have split that into short sentences, because I think it is important to consider each one, and then look at those words as a complete paragraph.

Some science (but without the Bunsen burners)

Practising mindfulness has been shown to lessen the inflammatory response to psychological stressors and dampens activity in the amygdala. It also increases the connections between the amygdala and the pre-frontal cortex. Now that’s all very well, but you might need a bit more of an explanation on what they are! They are the two parts of the brain which help us to be less reactive to stress and which help us to recover better from stress.

The amygdala is where emotions are given meaning, and attaches to them certain associations and memories. It is part of the system which deals with processing strong emotions and our fight or flight response. This response used to serve us well, because it alerted us to danger and threats, from things like sabre toothed tigers, however, given that we don’t often get chased by wild animals any more (my cats and dogs notwithstanding!) the perceived dangers and threats in our lives are more often as a result of stress and/or strong emotions. When we perceive these threats, the amygdala sends signals to the body to release stress hormones, to prepare to fight or flee. However, on a practical level there is often nothing to fight or flee from, because the danger is emotional rather than physical. This is sometimes referred to as the amygdala hijack.

Mindfulness and meditation can help to prevent this by staying in the present moment, becoming aware of what you are thinking or feeling, but not trying to change it (recognition). This way you will learn to understand your triggers, how those triggers make you feel and by practising, learn to change your reaction, which all comes full circle back to lessening the inflammatory response to stressors. A virtuous circle!

Homework (there will not be a test)

Choose a routine activity, such as brushing your teeth, taking the bins out, loading or emptying the washing machine, washing up, drinking a cup of tea/coffee (even wine!) or simply walking from one room to another and over the course of the next week, see if you can remember to pay attention to it.

This does not mean you have to do it more slowly the usual, or even enjoy it, or change it, simply pay attention. To the sensations, movements, changes, feelings, smells, tastes, textures, where your mind goes to; this will of course vary depending on your chosen activity. Try to do this every day, using the same activity if you can, and just see what you notice each time. There is no end goal to this, in terms of making you suddenly enjoy taking the bins out, it is simply to be present during the task.

In the meantime, have a fabulous week, remember to pause when you need to and that there is only now; this now, and this now, and this now.

Body scan exercise

Settle into a comfortable position, you could be laying down, or seated. If you are seated, try to find a relaxed, yet alert posture. As you settle in, check in with your shoulders and jaw, for any tension, and shrug or circle your shoulders a couple of times, and unclench your jaw, to release tension.

Gently close your eyes, and take a couple of deep breaths in through the mouth, and an audible sigh out, to help release tension and feel relaxed into your posture.

Return your breath to normal and start to bring awareness to the physical sensations in the body. Focus attention on where your body makes contact with the chair or surface you are laying on, and spend a couple of minutes exploring these sensations, but without trying to change them. Approach them with curiosity.

Now focus your attention on your feet, as if you were shining a spotlight on your feet. Start with the soles, moving to the heel, the top of the foot and then the toes. Focus on the sensations you feel, such as warmth, coolness, tightness, tingling. Again, not changing the sensations, simply noticing by paying attention. If there are no sensations, simply notice that too.

Move the spotlight upwards, starting with the ankles, calves, knees, upper legs, pelvis and hips, the lower back, round to the abdomen, torso and chest, round again to the mid back and up to your shoulder blades. Continue to move the spotlight to your shoulders, down your upper arms, elbows, lower arms, back of the hands, palms, fingers then up to the back of neck, round to the throat, jaw, cheeks, eyelids and forehead.

Spend some time paying attention to each individual area, noticing any sensations, tension, tightness, relaxation, where your body meets the material of your clothes, tingling, gripping, stiffness, warmth, coolness, just whatever is there at the moment. In certain areas you might notice your breath as it moves in and out of your body.

When you reach the forehead, imagine that spotlight moving to the crown of your head and shining down all around your body, and spend a few moments resting in awareness of the whole body sensations, just as they are. Explore what it feels like to just let sensations be, instead of trying to change them or think that they should feel a certain way.

Bring awareness to your breath as it moves in and out (you can out one hand on your abdomen if it helps), maybe feeling some of the sensations of the movement of it. Try and follow the entire journey of the breath, from the first moment of the inhale, through your body, right up to the end of the exhale. If at any time you find your mind wanders, notice and then gently bring yourself back to the breath. Try to stay as close to the journey of each breath as you can. 

Don’t try to change or control the breath, just let it come and go naturally, with its natural rhythm.

When you have meditated for as long as you like, start to gently bring awareness back to your body, and take a deep inhale, and a long, slow exhale. Bring your awareness back to the room, and wiggle your fingers and toes, and when you’re ready, gently open your eyes.

Losing the plot

Today I gave up my allotment. It was both easier and harder than I expected. The years I have had it have been a mixed bag, but the people are all so lovely and I will miss them a great deal.

I love growing my own fruit and veg, but lately it had become a source of guilt, as well as taking up a huge amount of headspace. It’s only a five minute walk away but even then it started to feel too much some days. My new job has been very busy and I feel that I have lost some control over my days. Partly because of a few last minute client crises but also because I spent a lot of time thinking I should be at the plot. Guilt takes a lot of mental energy and, as my yoga teacher says, darling, don’t should all over yourself.

There was a lot of work which needed doing to the greenhouse, shed roof and pathways, which I can’t do alone, and whilst my husband will help me, he’s not a gardener or in construction. The allotment was my thing, and I wouldn’t have taken on such a bog plot if my mum and stepdad hadn’t come in with me. They love gardening and my stepdad was a builder. However, they have no interest any longer, they don’t even want to take it over, which is a shame because it was the only thing that got them out of the house. They choose instead to sit in front of the TV, but that’s their choice. We don’t speak really now, but that’s another story.

The allotment just became less fun, over time when my mum and stepdad came, and lately. They loved it there but got more and more passive aggressive about it. I was getting snide remarks almost daily about how they had been there since the crack of dawn, and they had been there for hours, despite the fact that they are retired and I had been at work, not to mention that they pottered all day long, whereas I was trying to get as much done as I could when I was there. They didn’t grow much, or even eat the produce, they just liked being there, my stepdad doing odd building jobs and my mum planting flowers and weeding. They were a big help but they lost enthusiasm.

They both stopped looking after anything that I had planted, started to move things around without letting me know, wouldn’t take care of the tools we all used and left the place full of hoarded crap (last week I filled the equivalent of 12 rubble bags with ‘hardcore’ my stepdad had been storing in the shed behind the tools to one day raise the height of the shed floor which didn’t need raising). My stepdad fell out with people on site, then me and my mum, and it wasn’t fun.

I have mixed feelings about leaving. Relief, due to less guilt and more headspace. Sadness, because of the relationship breakdown with my mum and stepdad (the allotment was not the sole reason of course), nostalgia, because I enjoyed my time there, happiness and trepidation, because it’s another step towards leaving the country.

I left a legacy though, I registered the association as a charity a few years ago and now they are able to claim gift aid each year, which helps them out a great deal and helps pay for things like a defibrillator on site in case of illness, help out local food banks and keep the site safe.

Life is generally busy too, with the move to Italy planned for later this year, so it makes sense to give it up now, so that someone else can at least take the benefit of the growing season this year and it’s one less thing for me to worry and feel guilty about. In Italy I will have my own land to grow whatever I want, as well as have chickens and goats and there has been mention of a donkey by my Italian friend! Plus the cats and dogs of course. I may not be growing much in the way of fruit for a short while but there will be plenty in Italy, I have grand plans! That is of course assuming the goats and cingale don’t get there first.

I now have a mini greenhouse in my garden, and brought lots of stuff back from the allotment (too much my husband thinks!) which will help with my little home allotment and working the land in Italy. I have cleared my shed at home (in which I found a soggy box of slug repellent, spilled on the floor and full of live slugs ..!). I will miss the exercise that I got at the allotment, but I am planning to start running again after a rather longer break, and am practicing yoga and other forms of exercise, and now I can use my lunch hour to potter in the garden, grow veg without guilt and feel one step closer to making the leap to leave the country and start afresh.

Practising the pause

We all move swiftly from one task to the next, or between tasks. We hit reply on that email almost instantly, we scroll through emails or social media whilst we eat. At the end of our day we can feel proud that we have had a productive day, but we also feel exhausted, as though we haven’t stopped. This is usually at the time when we have finished work and would actually like some energy to do non-work related things that we enjoy, or spend time with people we care about.

This is where the pause comes in. The more we pause, the more we respond rather than react. Ironically, the more we pause, the more we achieve. The quality of our actions and responses improves, we make less mistakes, we don’t miss things by being on autopilot and we don’t end up saying or doing things that, had we paused beforehand, we might not have done or maybe would have done differently.

A pause helps us to act on purpose. It gives you a breather and can prevent you sending that ‘I love you’ text message to your boss, instead of your partner.

A pause can also give you time to consider whether your next task is something you really need to, or maybe should do, right now. In a world of instant communication, it seems people expect instant responses, but it might not be appropriate to respond instantly, to do so might take your attention from the task you were doing, which could lead to inefficient multitasking. I can guarantee you that the world will not stop in the moments you choose to pause.

Taking a pause will look different for each of us, so how do you build it in to your day? Here are some suggestions.

Pause on purpose – maybe at the end of each task and before the next one.

Pause while you make yourself a drink.

Pause before hitting send on an email.

Set an alarm as reminder to pause throughout the day.

Add a pause onto the end of something that you already do (by habit or design) each day.

Simply relax your shoulders and unclench your jaw throughout the day.

Find a moment of stillness and check in with your body, noticing any areas of tension and take a few deep breaths.

Try extending your exhales, making them as long and slow as possible.

Shake your hands, arms, feet legs and body for 20-30 seconds and then come to stillness and see how you feel.

Place one hand on your abdomen and feel it expand when you inhale and empty as you exhale – also notice that as the inhale turns into the exhale, there is a short pause.

Pausing is very important when you feel overwhelmed or stressed. These are often the times when we say to ourselves ‘I can’t stop now, I have too much to do’ but ironically, taking a pause at these times will enable you to get through your day with more ease and less stress, it doesn’t have to be a long pause, just a pause which allows you time to create headspace.

The key to the pause is not to use it as a minute to get caught up in your thoughts, but to notice and acknowledge those thoughts and let them go. Give the pause your full attention. You might try to picture an internal pause button which helps you switch to pause mode, or even have an actual pause button on your desk or by your side if it helps!

I am led to believe that Mark Twain said ‘no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause’ – now he may have been talking about this in the context of conversation, but it applies when you think about responding rather than reacting. No amount of multitasking will be as effective as a rightly timed pause, but each task will benefit from one.

Here’s an actual pause button, go on, be a devil, press it now, close your eyes, breathe and see how your brain thanks you for it.

Living in a box

I have recently started online mindfulness and meditation sessions at work, facilitating them that is, and as part of those, there have been some common themes for the people who have taken the introductory sessions. It has been interesting for me, because for starters I wasn’t sure how many people would be interested, thinking it might be a bit left field, but actually, there are quite a few who have asked for more sessions and I have now agreed to a further five, with a bit of a social session at the end of the five sessions, to chat and also get some feedback for anything else people might find helpful.

The main themes which came up were variations on things such as finding time for yourself, remaining calm, overthinking everything, reacting emotionally. I have also been asked for additional advice, which has branched into some low level coaching.

As someone who often wonders whether people will be interested in what I have to offer, because I assume they will probably already know what I know, and see right through me (classic imposter syndrome, but that is a topic for another day!) I was surprised at how many people hadn’t tried mindfulness or meditation, but equally as surprised that they genuinely wanted to find something that would help.

I began by setting out what mindfulness and meditation were not, you know, sitting for hours, chanting, being uncomfortable, and, more importantly, that it is not about trying to be completely free from distractions, or emptying your mind of thoughts. Aside from the fact that this is impossible, it is a common misconception. Not even Buddha was trying to empty his mind of thoughts, we are not intended to be empty vessels and an empty mind, in my view, cannot be enlightened, or even at peace. Without our thoughts, we are not people, we cannot strive to be whatever it is we want to be, or do whatever it is that we want to do.

Mindfulness and meditation is about awareness, noticing and letting go.

In the current lockdown scenario, it is increasingly difficult to find time or space for yourself. It is almost impossible to be without distractions or thoughts. I wanted to offer something that was achievable, that would be helpful in the modern world, but also in the current world and which was easily accessible.

The current situation means that we are actually living in a box. A box of four walls and a roof. Sometimes with doors we can close and have physical space, but in open plan homes, even less so. That box, which used to be for your family time, hobbies, cooking a meal, watching TV, sleeping, intimacy, having friends over, is now so much more,

The box is now also your kids’ school, as well as homework area. It is your office, place of work and your commute. It is where your work and home personas live. It is your gym. It is your social space, via video chats. Your restaurant and pub. It is the place where you worry about your friends and family, have counselling or therapy, your doctor’s office, your craft space, your reading room, your retail space, everything. All of the things you used to do in dozens of different places are now in one place. You might have a bigger box than others, but the premise is the same for all of us. As well as this, you still have all the other worries and concerns you have generally, and some more so, because of changes to circumstances which have come out of the pandemic. It can be claustrophobic and often when you can’t get out, that’s when you most want or need to.

It is not easy, or recommended for health reasons of course, to physically get out of this box, so my challenge was to find a way for people to find space, physical space if possible, but head space. It needed to be in a way which was practicable in confinement and part of that meant acknowledging the box and the fact that when everything is in a confined space, it can be intense, and I believe that many things which might have been easier to deal with are now harder, because they are more intense and more, well, right in front of you.

That is why I began with explaining mindfulness and meditation myths. I confirmed that no one was expected to find an exotic location, where there would be no distractions. You can almost guarantee that the minute you decide to meditate, that’s the moment your neighbour decides to mow the lawn they haven’t even looked at for months. You are not always going to find a time when you will be completely undisturbed, life goes on around you, and not only is your life all in one place at the moment, so are the lives of those around you, in your home and outside of it.

You are not expected to sit uncomfortably. Find a comfortable position, fidget a bit until you find the sweet spot and use cushions, chairs, blankets, eye pillows, whatever makes you comfortable, although still with some awareness, we are meditating not taking a nap, although sometimes you might need a nap, and that’s ok too. Don’t sit bolt upright in a position which makes your back ache, it is not an endurance exercise, it’s meant to be calming, not a test. You don’t even have to close your eyes, if that’s not comfortable for you, you can just soften your gaze.

You are not expected to empty your mind. I mentioned this earlier. You will have thoughts when you meditate, often they will simply appear. Sometimes you will hear people say that they just stop them, sort of shouting ‘no’ at them. The potential downside to that is that it can be like shouting at yourself, and meditation where you are being shouted at is not something I can say is a popular relaxation exercise. The thoughts that come, and they will, should simply be noticed, and when you have noticed them, you can let them go. Come back to your meditation, often this is done by using the breath as an anchor to concentrate on. Whatever it is that helps you notice the thought, and bring you back to your meditation, you should do it gently. You don’t need to scold yourself for getting caught up in your thoughts, or start telling yourself off for not being good at meditating; it is not a competition and there is no right way to meditate. Meditation will not always be easy, some days you sit and have a great meditation, other days it’s really hard to be aware of distracting thoughts, either way, it’s ok. Regular practice is the key, no matter how it was for you.

Time is another factor. You do not need to spare half an hour, or more, meditating, ten minutes is absolutely fine, any minutes is better than no minutes. You do not have to meditate at a particular time of day, or even at the same time every day, unless that fits with your life. I find it hard to meditate when I get up, so instead I have a cup of tea and try to sit mindfully for a few moments, maybe taking in the details of the taste and texture of my tea, or if it’s sunny, sit outside and feel the sun on my face. If you struggle some days to find time to meditate, practice mindfulness when you are carrying out chores, like the washing up, or brushing your teeth. Spend one minute doing a breathing exercise, or do a quick body scan to become aware of any tension. Any kind of practice will only help, just remember to be kind to yourself.

In these times of living intensely, it is important to look after ourselves, and that is not just finding time to have a soak in the bath, read a book, drink a cup of coffee before it gets cold, it is also about watching stress levels, making sure that we can put boundaries in place whilst everything in our lives is in one box. Meditation and mindfulness can help with stress and with boundaries. Meditation and mindfulness help make you more aware of your emotions, this helps you to respond, rather than react. Regular practice can help turn the volume down in your brain, or tame the monkey mind, and can prevent you from getting caught up in thoughts and letting them control you, help you pay attention and focus more easily, and increase appreciation and gratitude.

We may not be able to create physical space as we once could, at the moment anyway, but we can create head space, be that a few hours or a few minutes and it’s a space we can access any time we want.

Visitor from the past

We have all probably at some point had a relationship end and felt bitter about some of it or all of it. We are angry and sad, we want apologies, explanations or revenge. We see the other person moving on and feel hurt that they have moved on, or rage because how dare they. There are a million feelings in between of course and we don’t always feel all of those things, but what most of us do do, in time, is move on. Time doesn’t necessarily heal all wounds but it does ease the raw emotions. How long this takes will of course vary for each person, and if there has been any kind of abuse within the relationship, it’s a very different story most often.

My husband and I now been together for six years and married for three and a half. When we got together he was going through the divorce from hell from a woman who abused him terribly for seven years. One of the problems is that it became clear that she was a narcissist and dealing with that made life incredibly difficult, especially because of the inability for a narcissist to move on when there is no one there to fill the gap of narcissistic supply.

Much of the divorce was about her ego, not being able to understand why he had finally said no, and money. Whether she was being abusive and harassing him, or faking being agreeable, or playing victim, there was always abuse, a threat and a shakedown.

It’s a long story, but the divorce went through around four years ago and although the restraining order we had was quashed due to a CPS cock up, we assumed that we had heard the last, aside from the social media diatribe. However, at the back end of last year my husband received a call from a member of her family. My husband and his ex had two dogs, which he adored and which she used as weapons in the divorce proceedings. He was told repeatedly that he would never see them or take over ownership, aside from once when she asked if he would be willing to take them on, to which he of course said yes, but in the space of three text messages, was told in no uncertain terms that that was off the table, with much swearing, insults and rage. In the final agreement it was set out that ownership of the dogs passed to her and she would take full responsibility for them. This was her stipulation.

One of the dogs was quite elderly, and was sadly taken ill at the back end of last year. My husband received the inevitable call. Not to tell him that the dog was poorly, but to ask for money, and not nicely. After refusing (the pets are insured by the way) he then received a text to say his help wasn’t needed anyway and she wanted nothing from him, again all very abusive. I would add that she also has family nearby, presumably is working and allegedly also has a boyfriend, so it’s not like she is alone and crying out for help. It was about guilt and cash.

My husband called the police. She had been convicted of harassment and this was just more of the same. They were really understanding and immediately contacted her. Cue a social media rant of course. We don’t follow her social media, and have blocked her, but she finds ways to continue to spy on us. We do check occasionally at times like this so we have a record in case it escalates, and that was the concern with the call and text, based on past experience.

I would like to take a moment to dissect some words used, for context. The words are that my husband was a monster and a prick that thought she wanted him despite her rejection ‘forever’ … this makes him sound like an unwanted pest, when in fact he was her husband. The fact that she claims to have rejected him throughout their relationship is just evidence of the abuse he suffered and the inability of her to see this.

She also claims that he took advantage of her when she was ill, drugged and depressed. These symptoms manifested conveniently once he left, treated using the insurance she had through his work as his spouse to which technically she was no longer entitled. He wasn’t with her at this time. He certainly didn’t take advantage. He was commuting at 4am and living with his mum, whilst paying rent on her five bedroom house in an affluent area of London (just her, no kids) and demanding £600 a month for food shopping and payment for someone to pick up her dog’s crap. That’s just the tip of a very large iceberg.

What became apparent recently is the bitterness that still exists over the divorce, even though he was the victim. The lies, the continuing abuse, the rage and anger. We watched Narcissistic Abuse, a documentary on YouTube recently and it was fascinating. It was like reliving the experiences of my husband.

It has been six years and clearly not only has she not been able to move on, but she is still reeling over the loss of her supply. I have no cares about her or her behaviour, but it did make me think about the impact of holding all that bitterness and rage for that length of time. It’s unhealthy in so many ways. You miss out on what’s right in front of you, on opportunities that present themselves, risk mental and physical illness, and ultimately extend your misery. Sometimes you just have to let things go after time. You have to let go of what no longer serves you, and misery serves no one.

We have moved on. It wasn’t exactly a surprise though when my husband got the call, it was always a possibility. The lies, anger, vitriol don’t bother us any more, it’s no longer frequent and we have so much in our lives that we don’t want to spend time in the past.

Narcissists have arrested development and are sadly unable to see themselves clearly. It’s hard for me to have sympathy but I can only imagine how awful it would be to be incapable of growth and moving forward in your life. They are sort of stuck as a teenager. Even now in her forties she has never been able to grow up and that is the tragedy with narcissists. They don’t know who they truly are and for that I do feel sympathy on some level, because it means they never get to enjoy life as it is; they are forever trapped in a make believe life of self deceit. And the older they get, the less acceptable their behaviour becomes to others, leaving them with only their fantasy life and no appreciation of life in the now.

I can only speak from my experience of course. Ultimately my point is not to spend too much time in the past. You don’t live there any more. Looking back, reflection and nostalgia do have a purpose, to learn, understand and appreciate, but if you spend your life in the past you miss what is on offer right now. The past is an ok place to visit but you cannot change it and spending your energy trying to change it lessens the energy you have to spend on today. Wishing things had been different will not change them and being angry and bitter about things that have been and gone just hurts you more; you are reliving past hurts instead of seeing the amazing opportunities that present themselves.

Bitterness, anger, envy, hatred, they have a time and a place, but it is not a place and time in which you should live. Let them happen when appropriate, when they serve a purpose, and move on. Those emotions are not somewhere you should want to stay indefinitely. Staying there only hurts you and can freeze your future. Let those feelings come, and eventually they will go; let them, and every tomorrow will be a little better.

Can you buy time?

The immediate reaction is probably no, and this is true in the traditional sense of buying a commodity; you can’t nip to the supermarket and cross it off your shopping list, having duly purchased a bottle of time in the size of your choosing. But time is also one of the greatest commodities, if not our most precious, we have and it is finite, well, at least for living things on this planet.

Having said that, there are ways to reclaim or buy back time, and that’s one thing I imagine that lockdown has taught us, largely as a result of working from home.

Take a typical day for many people. Up early, daily ablutions for you, your kids, your pets. Breakfast, putting on your work clothes, all that jazz, not to mention probably checking emails and social media. Then it’s on to the commute, which is probably an hour at least for most. All that before 9am.

Work from 9am, if not before, and let’s be honest, usually way past 5pm. Then you have the commute back home, where you have housework waiting for you, meals to cook and eat, kids or pets or both to spend time with/deal with. You might even want to spend some time winding down ..! All of that five days a week, not including time for friends, family, health appointments, exercise, hobbies, and whatever else you may have to do.

When I look at it that way, it’s not much of a life and has the capacity to be pretty miserable. Working from home has perhaps eased some of this; more flexibility in your days, no commute, no more suits, but of course with the pandemic there has been added pressure, such as homeschooling, job losses, financial worries, health worries and more. This is not a blog for a pandemic, this is about the importance of time generally.

Some years ago I chose to work part time and work part of that time from home. I’m lucky, that I know, and my new job allows this to continue. Partly this choice was due to experiencing complete burn out in an old job, which impacted my health quite badly, but my main reason for change was looking at how I spent my time.

Every minute that passes is a minute that cannot be recovered. Once it has passed, it has passed. Never to be seen again. Think about it; how did you spend your last minute? Was it doing something you enjoyed? Do you wish you had been able to spend it differently?

I wanted to spend less time being constantly under pressure. I wanted less stress. I wanted time to be able to do the things on my bucket list. I wanted to spend more time with my husband. I didn’t want to look back and regret missing out on those things and instead spending unnecessary minutes on things that didn’t bring me joy.

Of course, we all have to do things which might not be joyful! We all have to work to pay the bills, there are always tasks we don’t like but which are necessary. It’s how you spend the minutes doing other things that’s important, as well as enjoying the minutes doing things you have to do (it is possible!) and how many of your minutes you allocate to the good stuff. It’s partly about assessing priorities and partly about paying attention.

Life is what happens when you’re too busy to enjoy your minutes. It happens when you are caught up in planning your life. Life is happening whether you want it to or not, it isn’t going to wait until you’re ready for it. Life is a series of nows; this now, and this one and the next. One day is over there, not here, and one day may never come, but now is right here, for you to enjoy.

Every minute, or to put it another way, every breath you take, is one less in your life. So, how can you buy time?

My husband came up with a good way of looking at this. We needed to fence off about an acre and a half of land. We could do it ourselves but that would take a long time and is somewhat out of our skill set, but it would be cheaper. But would it? We are in a position to pay someone to do it, which, if you look at it hourly, costs less than it would cost us to do ourselves. So why would we spend our time doing something we don’t want to do, when we can pay someone else to do it and buy ourselves that time to do something we enjoy. Also, someone else gets the financial benefit of us reclaiming our time.

You can buy time by not commuting for instance, those hours are hours you can spend with people, or doing something you love, or even just getting more sleep!

You can recover some time by doing one task at a time and giving it your full attention. Multi tasking can be a false economy, it can split your concentration and mean you spend longer doing both tasks in the end because your attention is not focused and you risk having to correct errors, as well as having to reacquaint yourself with things because of the back and forth between tasks.

You can buy time by not doing tasks that aren’t crucial. Often we tell ourselves we must do something, as my yoga teacher says, we should all over ourselves. Stop. Pause. Ask yourself if it really needs to be done or are you just adding to your to do list. Can it wait? If not a task, maybe worrying over something you cannot control, or spending several of your precious minutes being angry at a stranger on the internet. By doing that task, or worrying, or being angry, are you taking minutes away from something you would enjoy? Is it essentially borrowing from future minutes? The kicker here is that they cannot be repaid.

You can extend the minutes you have. You can be mindful which helps to enjoy your minutes better. No one shuffles off this mortal coil regretting the time they spent doing wonderful things or with wonderful people. Also no one ever shuffles off wishing they had painted the kitchen even though it was only done a year ago, instead of giggling with friends.

Take a few of your minutes and think about your time. How do you spend it? How would you like to spend it? What could you do to take time from those things you want to do less of in order to add it to the time you want to spend elsewhere? For me working part time made an enormous difference. It meant less income of course, but I soon realised I could live on less, and my wants could be reduced, but my needs still catered for, and doing this made one of my wants come true; more time. I am less stressed, can be more responsive and flexible with my work, and have time to do so much more. I am learning new skills, my relationships are better, I get outside more, travel more, have more time just to be and I am doing more things now than ever. I have reclaimed time to enjoy life, I want to make every minute count.