Joey doesn’t share Christmas

For the first time in some time, I am actually really looking forward to Christmas. 

My gifts have been purchased, and wrapped mostly. I have bought new decorations for the first time in years. I have planned an ambitious menu. I can’t wait.

Christmas last year was the worst I can ever remember thanks to my partner’s ex and the smear campaign from hell, coupled with a side of blatant and outrageous lies. That and my partner facing bankruptcy and losing his job thanks to said lies and greed. It was frankly fucking horrendous and made me question whether we would come through it. I distracted myself by making all my gifts.

Before that Christmas was ok, but I had just split with my ex shortly before and my partner was going through divorce proceedings which were to start the new year with an unconscionable demand for more money than he had.

Christmases before that were with my ex. He wasn’t much of a one for Christmas. Childhood experiences had meant he didn’t really like Christmas much. He would make Christmas dinner for me, but he would have chicken fajitas. 

He wasn’t one for Christmas films, or songs, or decorations, or Christmas really. That’s not to say Christmases were miserable but they weren’t festive. We didn’t have a tree but I did wrap some lights around a big wooden carved bear that we had. 

So this year I am really looking forward to Christmas. Like the fact kid I used to be about it. My favourite thing about Christmas is buying (or sometimes making) gifts. I would much rather give than receive. I love spending time looking for exactly the right gift for everyone I care about. I love wrapping presents and decorating the tree and playing Christmas songs and watching a Christmas Carol. 

This year I am also planning quite an extensive Christmas menu. I have blogged about this before and so won’t go into details but I made it last weekend for some friends and they were really complimentary, but also offered me the the honest feedback I asked for; it was all good. 

I clearly made too much, in case of some that didn’t work out and that meant I had a couple of panna cottas left and so I played them up with the berry compote and granola and gave them to my mum and stepdad.

I received no feedback until today, when I remembered to ask. My mum simply said she didn’t like it. No feedback, just that. She added that maybe it’s just not for her and I was reminded why I don’t cook for my parents. Because they don’t do food. Ever.

My mum cooked when I was a kid but she’s not a great cook. The type of cooking I am doing is what I would consider reasonably high level and my parents hate that kind of food. They are a meat/fish and two veg people. With oven chips. Fancy schmancy cooking is not for them. They would consider a meal in a fabulous restaurant with a glorious tasting menu to be a waste of time, money and food. 

I got over my initial grouch about it because I remembered this. They don’t do adventurous. I do. And that’s ok.

I made jam out of my leftover compote and granola squares out of my leftover granola. I don’t think I’ll bother asking if the would like to try it. My stepdad did however like my chicken liver pate on brioche and my Parmesan and prosciutto palmiers, so there’s that. My mum was more amazed that one pack of chicken livers could make so much pate for a fraction of the price of shop bought … she liked it though at least.

Anyway, I got on with my day. It hasn’t bothered me as much as it might have in the past. Perhaps the pills and the counselling and the mindfulness practice are working after all. 

I cleared my wardrobes, built some cupboards, cleared some papers, cleaned a couple of rugs, cleared the cupboard under the stairs (you know the one ..!), put together a couple of bags for the charity shop and a few other bits and pieces. Just decluttering slowly. Bit by bit. It’s hard because I can’t be ruthless but if I keep going back for a spell after some time I find I can get rid of more and more each time. I’ve even finally managed to knit! Not well, granted, but it’s a start.

Now I am going to start painting the rocking horse I am refurbishing for my nephew. 

I feel I have had a productive day and want to end it with something that will bring me joy, and joy should be sought wherever you can. 

Imagine …

I believe actions have consequences and I still do. I believe in democracy. This year however has shown me that something is terribly wrong with politics and the world’s culture. 

It is 2016. We should have moved on from bigotry of any type but yet it is still prevalent. Only some of us care. Democracy is intended to give the people a voice; all of the people but we live in a culture of he who shouts loudest. It is a culture of wanting everything now, including it seems political action by making knee jerk decisions based on sound bites and rhetoric. Are we really all so lacking in brain cells or disinterested in anything that doesn’t grab our attention or is more in depth than a one minute YouTube moment that we are willing to sell to the highest bidder? The populist culture? Those who incite fear and rage based upon nothing but lies, distortions and fear?

Apparently so. 
A friend of mine noted that they saw that if 2016 has told us anything, it is that you can do what you want to who you want and there will never been any serious consequences. I agree and disagree. In the case of the political leaders of the UK and the USA, that certainly seems to be the case, on a personal and political level, however the consequences will hopefully be borne out. My concern is that the consequences for them will simply be failure, after which they will move on, never to be seen again. The consequences for the people they are supposed to act in the interests of however will likely be far reaching and affect generations to come. 

Politicians seem to think short term more than ever these days. Win votes. Implement knee jerk policies. Fuck off and leave others to deal with it. These people are supposed to think about the country now and for future generations. To add insult to injury, these are not even part of the me me me generation, they are from older generations, but have completely bought into short term gains. They are selfish, the antipathy of politics. They have lost all integrity.

I blame the culture of reality tv, disinterest in anything more than superficial etc ad infinitum. I can’t even switch the radio on or watch the news right now, it’s no longer funny. 

I’m all for democracy but culture as it is now dictates that the democratic process is about sound bites and popularity, with some appeal to those with the loudest voices and worst opinions (sadly opinions, not facts) and it won’t even make anyone wake up to what is happening … politicians have become too introspective and have lost sight of the bigger picture. They talk about the will of the people except the people were not given fair opportunity to exercise their voting rights, or maybe more accurately and seemingly forgotten, privileges. They were not provided with facts, or policies and the problem is deciding whether the politicians decided that the people aren’t capable enough to understand or if they really aren’t. We have become a culture of politics by memes. And politicians caricatures.

I still believe actions have consequences though and all we can each do in the wake of Brexit and Trump is try our best to do things with love and compassion and make the world a better place, they may be small things but still significant. Small acts to show people who have not bought into the BS that we are not bigots, misogynists, racist, sexist, hateful, ageist, small minded etc. 

Smile at a stranger, help a neighbour, play with your dog, appreciate this beautiful planet, recycle more, breathe, support causes, be grateful, show love and compassion and kindness to all, look outwards. Whatever floats your boat. Kill them all with kindness. It might not change politics, or get you elected as the leader of a country or change the world but little by little it just also might. 

You might not know this about me

Reading an article on the Mighty, written by a lady and titled “6 secrets I’ve never told my friends about my anxiety” I was inspired. There are some global truths, such as I overthink and get overwhelmed all of the time. some days I am just fine and others I am a ball of frustration, panic and self loathing. Like the lady in the article, some days I too can walk into a room and own and yet the next, not be able to pick up the phone to make an appointment or be a bag of nerves about simply going to the shops.

So, here are some things that my friends and family may not know about my anxiety and depression.

• I may come across as confident in my job when I am talking to clients or giving seminars or training, and yes, I know my stuff, but I am constantly afraid of being ‘found out’ as a fraud. I dread the day that someone will finally realise that I really didn’t know what I was doing and wish they had never employed me and that I am not as bright as I may have appeared. I live in fear of getting something wrong despite being the first to say to new staff members (and indeed clients) that we all make mistakes. I often feel as though I only talk a good talk. Low self esteem comes with my anxiety and depression. This also manifests itself in getting to meetings where the possibility of being late (or even on time) literally brings me out in a sweat because a fear of letting people down is part of my depression and anxiety too even though in truth, people are usually quite forgiving. I on the other hand am very unforgiving of myself, especially when I see my flaws and yet seem to do nothing about them.
• It affects me physically. There are days when I am literally exhausted and can do little more than get myself out of bed. Sometimes this can mean that I work from home because it doesn’t involve getting dressed or showered and also because I sometimes just have a ‘feeling’ about leaving the house. I do actually work when I am working from home, because I get more done than I would having to force myself to leave the house and end up feeling anxious all day. My body often aches, my stomach lurches, I get short of breath, I suffer from insomnia, my heart pounds, I sweat, I have panic attacks, sometimes I cannot shake the feeling that something is very wrong.
• I can come across as both very sociable and very antisocial. The truth is I am neither, or a bit of both, depending on your view. The days when I am sociable I tend to be the ‘funny one’ and that can be because I am trying to fill a silence, even if that silence is only in my head, or because I am trying to compensate for the fact that my brain is telling me that no one likes me, or sometimes I can actually be funny. On days when am I not so sociable, it has nothing to do with those around me, it is just that I can’t function well on that day, even if it just seems as though I am being rude. Often I fear being in a group of people and being ignored and so it is easier to say nothing at all. All that being said, I do actually like spending time with you and to be invited to things, even if I don’t always accept.

• Despite my brain being a jumble of thoughts all of the time, and the fact that there are days when I am good for nothing except watching re-runs of films I have seen a  thousand times, I do give good advice and will always go out of my way to help you if I can. It is good advice, even though I rarely to listen to my own advice!
• I constantly assume that I am being judged and worry at all times about what other people think. This causes a problem more often than not, because it doesn’t stop me being myself but then I would rather be myself and worry than try to be someone I am not. I appreciate that I come across as somewhat weird most of the time! I generally assume that I am in the wrong or it is my fault.
• I have had to learn a lot about self care (as much as anything, that it is not selfish) and to me this means keeping about a hundred journals and diaries and lists and practising mindfulness and meditation. I rarely talk about it because it sounds a bit odd, even though I am a dippy hippy deep down and quite spiritual (in a non religious way) but if any one ever wanted to ask me about it, or about my depression and anxiety, I will always be honest and happily talk about it. I had not appreciated how helpful doing these things are until recently, despite knowing that there were benefits to doing so. This does also mean though that sometimes I just need a little time to recharge, I am not being lazy or procrastinating, it is as important for me to do as eating.
• Despite all of the above, I am ambitious, just not in an in your face way. I can be confident too. Sometimes though I wish people would ask me if I am OK, even if I seem as though I am. I cannot guarantee I won’t simply say yes, when I mean no. People are not telepathic but life would be much easier for me if they were. But not for them; I don’t want to be in my own head and so I wouldn’t wish anyone else to be!

So this is not all doom and gloom, here are some other things you might not know about me:

• I once modelled for Top Shop
• I can sing (soprano) and yet have never sung karaoke (and won’t)

• For a spell as a kid, instead of a teddy, I slept with a garden gnome
• I have had my belly button pierced for about 15 years and yet I hate touching it
• I have written a novel, yet to be published
• I wanted to be either a barrister or prime minister from the age of 8; one down, one to go
• I have an uncanny knack for knowing song lyrics but ask me who sang it and I am likely to draw a blank
• My middle name is what it is because my dad had a thing for one of the original Charlie’s Angels

• I cry whenever I read or watch The Deathly Hallows when Dobby dies, because it hits me straight in the feels

• I once helped rescue my next door neighbour from a house fire
• I love daisies, they are very underrated
• I once dressed up as Kylie Minogue, gold hot pants and all
• I have never seen Big Brother
• I really want to run a marathon
• I took trapeze lessons for 6 months and will be returning
• The only celebrities I have spotted in Manchester city centre are Lloyd Grossman ( I heard him before I saw him) and Keith Floyd
• I harbour a secret desire for a Lamborghini Countach (I don’t even have a driving licence . . .)

• I can still get my feet in my mouth (literally and figuratively)
• I only started smoking at the age of 31/32
• Last Christmas I put a card through each of my 15 neighbours’ doors with a scratch card, hoping they would get lucky
• I have no sense of direction but on holiday in Greece I knew the area incredibly well by reference to which stray dogs were in each area
• My celebrity crush is Ian Hislop

Glasgow and the test of true love

I found out today that I am going to have an operation on my hand in a few weeks. My right hand. I am right handed. I will not be able to use my hand for ten days. This was not a huge surprise, the op that is, and it will hopefully resolve the problems with my carpal tunnel, which is now so bad that in the mornings I can’t write, and more tragically, hold a cup of tea with said hand. However, this is going to be a test of true love for my partner, given that there are many things he is going to have to do for me, not least of which may be my 5 plus injections a day for my type 1 diabetes!

On that note, it’s a bloody good job we had a fantastic weekend away! We re on the same page about most things and can spend time together easily and naturally, and that’s quite handy, given that I may need help from him with things like showering!

Last Friday, after nipping to the allotment for skip day, we headed to Glasgow. The hotel was in a great location and after we arrived we found a local pub. We met some really nice people and spent the evening with a couple and their friend who were just all lovely. We also drank a great deal of beer!

On the Saturday we moseyed into the centre, looking at the beautiful architecture along the way and just spent a nice relaxing day, after a guilt free lie in, after which we went for a curry and had a relatively early night. It’s hard to put into words why it was such a lovely day, given that we didn’t do a great deal, but it was just nice spending time together with no pressure to do anything. We also bought the most amazing Christmas present for our new nephew at an antique store! he needs a bit of sprucing up but he is brill.

On Sunday we went to the Trossachs for the day and it was amazing. It is such a beautiful place and so unspoiled. We took a boat around Loch Lomond and drove around Loch Katrine and just drank in the fantastic scenery and peacefulness. I had been there many years before, but I remembered it vividly, not because of anything more than I remember falling in love with it. It is untouched and bleak in the loveliest possible way. We even saw a sparrowhawk just sitting on a fence, a deer in someone’s garden and several mountain goats, which only reinforced how much I want goats. I really ought to sort out this writing for a living lark so I can settle in a remote smallholding somewhere . . !

On the way back, we stopped at a pub for dinner, where we both ate out weight in food (stocky toffee pudding was on the menu and if it’s on the menu, the law says you have to have it – honest – look it up . . .) and purchased a couple of pictures that were for sale by a local artist. The artist is married to a children’s writer, who has written a book called The Tale of Jessie the Highland Cow, which I am now going to have to look for and buy of course.

Feeling rather full, we headed back to Glasgow and to a bar where there was live music and we managed one drink before we both agreed that our bellies would not withstand any more and headed back to the hotel. But not before learning the story of this tree . . .

Monday was our last day and we started at the Kelvingrove Art Gallery and Museum.

We spent a couple of hours checking out the exhibits and one of the paintings we saw was by an artist named Avril Paton. It reminded me of Hitchcock’s Rear Window. After a stroll around we found a nice fry up for a late breakfast, and I found a coat and some boots in a vintage shop.

Then we took, a slow stroll to the Mackintosh Church.

This is a little off the beaten track but well worth the visit. We must have spent over an hour there and whilst we were there we were able to meet Avril Paton! She was painting a piano which is to be used by any member of the public and she signed a card of her painting for us, we were able to hear a chap play the Steinway that is in the church, see an exhibition by Minty Sainsbury, whose work with just a pencil is breathtaking, and Sven, the curator, could not have been more helpful. It was a beautiful church and such an unforgettable experience. If you are ever in Glasgow I highly recommend a visit.

Then, the reason we went, off to the Hydro to see Kenny Rogers. What a fantastic experience. He is getting on in years and may not be the crooner he once was, but that did not detract from the fact that we spent a happy couple of hours watching a legend at work. We sang along, we danced in the aisles and it as a great way to end a great weekend. Glasgow, we shall definitely return!

Life is about experiences, not things, and I haven’t really captured that in words, it is difficult to do. The people we met over the few days we were there were all lovely, helpful and friendly, the city was vibrant and spacious and quite beautiful, the exhibitions were a joy to behold, the scenery was breathtaking and the food plentiful and there was not one thing about the weekend which was dull or hard work or not in some way a great experience. A large part of that  was because we were in good company with one another, so it perhaps doesn’t matter so much about where you are, more who you are with. That being said, we shall see I guess after ten days of my partner having to help me fasten button, wash my hair and put my make up on!

It’s not you, it’s me …

It’s so hard to try and not let events have an affect on your mood when you are already depressed and anxious. Every little thing that might usually bother someone for a short time, that they might rant about and then it will pass can make you question the entire purpose of your existence.

I had planned a blog about my weekend away with my partner, which was brilliant, but as the knock effect of things conspired against me from the get go of the day, I am now here contemplating whether I am a failure, whether I should be affronted or whether the whole situation was in fact my fault and whether maybe I should give up on my day job, because I’m shit at it and maybe take up ice fishing. 

I had a matter completing today and me and the other side had teed things up because the folks dealing with it at their end were both off all of last week and I was off yesterday. Yes, just the one day. This morning one of the two folks was called away from the office and their colleague was only available from 10.30am. We had a prearranged call booked at 11am to go through the docs and complete today.

A colleague of mine was dealing with another part of the same transaction, a part of which I do not specialise in. At 10.45am, unsurprisingly I was none the wiser as to an update due to, well, see above re: availability. I was ready to complete though, except for a call from my colleague who proceeded to yell at me over the phone that it would not (a direction, not a suggestion it became evident) be completing without XYZ. I tried to explain that I was aware but at the time could not tell them what I didn’t know myself about the current position. After being yelled at some more I was miffed and at a bit of a loss for words and a slightly confused brain. Not helped by a long journey home last night that ended with getting home at 3.30am, followed by a few hours of mostly nightmares, which I thought I had seen the back of; they were in force, so much so I woke up crying.

So, I spoke to the other side and am fairly relaxed about things, given that they are ready to press go. But no. My colleague is still saying in no uncertain terms not without XYZ and not only refuses to let me get a word in, be flexible or stay still long enough to understand, they proclaim they are checking with someone else. There was also a little denial about an error and passing off which it was known was floundering. Now I am not only cross but being shouted at and undermined (in my own office this time) by someone who is not my superior. Back and forth and again I am undermined and not listened to and then finally I get an opportunity to explain without interruption, by email because it’s the only way, the reasons why XYZ actually cannot be done and why it is not always “the way things are done”. 

From one side it is quite a straightforward transaction for a four figure sum and usually I agree my colleague’s way would have been enforced, by me even. However, the other side is not transactional, involves a six figure sum, me making the decision as to whether it’s a risk (one whereby the only real risk was to the other firm involved because it was their liability) and people’s jobs, trading, new and old businesses and practical post completion matters are hinging on completing today. I was not prepared to allow dogged immovability hinder the practical and commercial, when the risk was low, the stakes (for my part) high and the “way it’s always done” without understanding or listening to why “always” is never always. Add to that some orders to me about telling said colleague when this and that had happened, because, my brain tells me, I am an idiot who did in fact come down with the last shower, I was somewhat at a loss as to the level of force used. Although depression and anxiety do make for overthinking and over sensitivity.

The thing is, despite the fact that afterwards there was concession because the facts and commercial situation warranted a slight shift from the norm (hardly an unprecedented shift by the way, in fact, fairly well trodden), I am not the one who made us appear as an organisation to be inflexible and unhelpful, and I got a response about it completing after “a little stress” which showed that it was water under the bridge, I am still feeling like shit. 

For me, something like this is never just a simple matter of falling out and moving on. It is on a professional level, and on a personal level as between individuals, but personally I am left with huge doubts. Perhaps I am wrong, perhaps I am shit at this, as I always suspected, perhaps I am a fraud. Maybe what they’re (probably actually just me) all secretly thinking is true. 

Especially because people just don’t shout at me, I’m not someone who angers people. I’m also someone who rarely gets cross and even more rarely out loud. It brings my whole world into question for me. As well as being angry at being undermined in front of people when it was wholly unwarranted; I never believe in undermining someone or shouting at someone, even if I am in the right (or think I am) not even really in private. My immediate response was “I’m not sure why you think it’s ok to use that tone” and defensive and I could no doubt have handled it better but then as the day wears on it’s one of “now everyone will know I’m shit, maybe I should just quit and sell flip flops on the beach, but I would probably end up with just left ones …”

Anyone with depression and anxiety will understand this. One shit experience can turn out all of the lights. Can tell you all the worst things you always knew to be true and that it was only a matter of time before everyone else knew it too. I know deep down that I had tried to explain and help, given that my side is not my colleague’s area of expertise either (and there were lacunae on the other firm’s side too) and was not being unreasonable and anyone who knows me knows I’ll fight for a cause but am not shy in admitting my mistakes or gaps in knowledge but nor do I usually invite the wrath of anyone at all. Indeed I won’t hold any grudges and I actually like this particular colleague and I doubt any of it was intentional. It’s actually about me, not them.

So, if anyone has some right flip flops and a bag of lost self esteem, meet me at the beach.