Sometimes when you have a bruise, you just can’t stop poking it. I have a bruise. Anger. Anger at the past. Hopefully this is what I am going to get through in counselling.
In the meantime, I have a few things to say to this past.
No, I have not brainwashed anyone into thinking that something is all your fault. It is. Nor have I brainwashed anyone into not dealing with any atrocities they may have committed. They didn’t commit any. Only you.
I have not been ‘allowed’ to trash you. I have spoken the truth and my opinions without the need for permission. I am not a loser, insecure or weak, and I don’t ‘do bad’. Insecurity makes people try to fabricate the truth, I do not, you, the past does.
It has been over two years. Your friend is not still waiting for their friend to come home. You took their friend away from them and wouldn’t let there be any contact. In fact you screamed more than once that they would never see their friend again. Guilt trips do not work any longer, and it’s cruel to use your innocent friend as a pawn. You took your friend away from theirs and yes, you caused all of this. No, it wasn’t necessary but you decided it was because you lost your power.
There is nothing that made it impossible for your friend to keep their friend in their life, except you. You made it impossible.
You could have done better, by being a better person. By having some dignity, some grace, by being honest. By not hurting those you claim to wish happiness on now. Those you claim to have loved. If you truly wish them happiness then know that they are happy now.
The past regrets and admits mistakes and yet has since repeated those same mistakes with others and shows no humility or remorse. It says it would make different decisions if it had its time over again, but not that it would have made the right ones. It says it doesn’t hold grudges and yet it too keeps poking at the bruise.
It says it had good in its heart and yet it literally threatened, and tried (and succeeded) to ruin lives by deceit and lies. It was even told that this was beyond the normal rough and tumble of acrimony. Regrets are only regrets if action or inaction is regreted, not regretting that decisions and behaviour led to the loss of a meal ticket and so leaving it have to fend for itself in this world. If the past has honest regrets then it should use them to learn how to use skills, not people.
The past says it saw the worst side of people, and yet these are the people whose best side has shone through. They have not resorted to Machiavellian intrigues and games despite being pushed to the brink of despair. All they did was stand up for themselves, stand strong against the past. Finally said no. No more.
The past saw the worst side of itself and cannot admit it. Always blameless …
The past believes it has suffered and sacrificed and yet it continues on without change, expect those changes it brought upon itself. Those who have truly suffered and sacrificed are moving on but have seen things fall completely apart before they were able to do so.
The thing with this bruise is that I keep poking at it but others who had the same bruise can see that it has faded to nothingness. They no longer prod at it and I do not prod it for them. Apologies and regrets and guilt trips have no effect on them because they don’t see them. In fact they haven’t thought about the bruise for many months, not even once. One day neither will I.
I am not going to make it 