If anyone would like to contribute to my blog, I would be delighted.
This could be a whole guest blog, or a line or about your experiences with depression, anxiety, or any other health matter.
It can be anonymous, a way to get something off your chest or a line or two about what has helped you.
Maybe it could be from your view as the partner of someone with a health issue and how you cope, help, feel.
Even just a few words about why you read this blog and others like it.
I write for me, it’s cathartic but I also hope I help people to see that they are not alone. If you don’t fancy blogging, but would like to contribute, I would be honoured!
Sometimes when you have a bruise, you just can’t stop poking it. I have a bruise. Anger. Anger at the past. Hopefully this is what I am going to get through in counselling.
In the meantime, I have a few things to say to this past.
No, I have not brainwashed anyone into thinking that something is all your fault. It is. Nor have I brainwashed anyone into not dealing with any atrocities they may have committed. They didn’t commit any. Only you.
I have not been ‘allowed’ to trash you. I have spoken the truth and my opinions without the need for permission. I am not a loser, insecure or weak, and I don’t ‘do bad’. Insecurity makes people try to fabricate the truth, I do not, you, the past does.
It has been over two years. Your friend is not still waiting for their friend to come home. You took their friend away from them and wouldn’t let there be any contact. In fact you screamed more than once that they would never see their friend again. Guilt trips do not work any longer, and it’s cruel to use your innocent friend as a pawn. You took your friend away from theirs and yes, you caused all of this. No, it wasn’t necessary but you decided it was because you lost your power.
There is nothing that made it impossible for your friend to keep their friend in their life, except you. You made it impossible.
You could have done better, by being a better person. By having some dignity, some grace, by being honest. By not hurting those you claim to wish happiness on now. Those you claim to have loved. If you truly wish them happiness then know that they are happy now.
The past regrets and admits mistakes and yet has since repeated those same mistakes with others and shows no humility or remorse. It says it would make different decisions if it had its time over again, but not that it would have made the right ones. It says it doesn’t hold grudges and yet it too keeps poking at the bruise.
It says it had good in its heart and yet it literally threatened, and tried (and succeeded) to ruin lives by deceit and lies. It was even told that this was beyond the normal rough and tumble of acrimony. Regrets are only regrets if action or inaction is regreted, not regretting that decisions and behaviour led to the loss of a meal ticket and so leaving it have to fend for itself in this world. If the past has honest regrets then it should use them to learn how to use skills, not people.
The past says it saw the worst side of people, and yet these are the people whose best side has shone through. They have not resorted to Machiavellian intrigues and games despite being pushed to the brink of despair. All they did was stand up for themselves, stand strong against the past. Finally said no. No more.
The past saw the worst side of itself and cannot admit it. Always blameless …
The past believes it has suffered and sacrificed and yet it continues on without change, expect those changes it brought upon itself. Those who have truly suffered and sacrificed are moving on but have seen things fall completely apart before they were able to do so.
The thing with this bruise is that I keep poking at it but others who had the same bruise can see that it has faded to nothingness. They no longer prod at it and I do not prod it for them. Apologies and regrets and guilt trips have no effect on them because they don’t see them. In fact they haven’t thought about the bruise for many months, not even once. One day neither will I.
I have been doing a lot of self care lately and have alluded to it in previous blogs, but I thought perhaps it would be useful to share some of it, in case it helps you, the reader.
I suffer with depression and anxiety. I take antidepressants and have absolutely no problem doing so, they make me slightly more normal. By normal I mean less prone to bouts of despair, anger, insomnia and other things beside. I wold never actually class myself as normal, and I suspect neither would my friends, but n a good, quirky, kind of way.
I changed meds a few months ago because my previous meds were no longer effective and I knew this because my depression and anxiety were unmanageable. It did not come as a surprise, my partner and I had been put through hell for two years and couldn’t see a way out. Turns out though that the way out, as distressing as it was was transformational in may ways, for both of us, and we are now content and there is peace in our lives. Maybe it is true that things have to fall apart for other things to come together. I am currently reading a book on synchronicity and one paragraph struck me:
“You will want to remember that on a path of transformation, you reach a point where you break down or you break through and sometimes the breakdown comes before the breakthrough”
I can honestly say that I broke. My partner too for that matter. I was broken and could not see how it was possible for the pieces to ever be reconstructed into something resembling a whole. I was in a black hole and when I reached the bottom, the night I sat in bed for hours in the a.m, alone, crying and repeating out loud to myself ‘I just need help’ I decided that I actually needed help. From people.
When I went to the doctor about changing my meds he referred me to a psychiatrist. I attended a few sessions and between us, as the meds were now working, I was referred to a local resource called Healthy Minds. I attended four or five sessions for low level therapy and have now been referred to counselling. The low level therapy has provided me with some fantastic tools which I will share below.
I also attended an 8 week mindfuless course/study. This was part of a student’s PhD thesis and required me to complete some tests and have two brain scans, but as part of this was two hours of mindfuless once a week. Initially I didn’t practice much outside of the sessions, but it was during the time of utter hell and before I broke down.
The reason I have opted for counselling is because I still have some unresolved issues which I need to talk about and address. I have quite a large amount of guilt about my ex husband and the fact that he was so hurt when we separated. I am carrying self esteem issues with me as a result of never feeling good enough. I have humongous amounts of anger inside about my partner’s ex and what she did to him, to me and to us. No amount of self help is going to eradicate these things completely, although it has lessened. Essentially I need to be able to move on, I am still stuck somewhat with these things and want my life to move forward.
So, it began with the mindfulness. I downloaded an app called Calm and hoped it might help me sleep. It has done far more than that. I meditate or practice mindfulness once a day at least, before I go to sleep, and sometimes meditate in the morning, on my commute, when I am walking to work. being mindful and being still during those times is permission to give myself a break. I am also trying to incorporate mindfulness into my every day tasks. To just concentrate on the thing I am doing at that time, to stop the overthinking.
I then decided, after I had opted to see Healthy Minds, to download a course about overcoming self sabotage. It doesn’t take long but it provided me with food for thought about getting the answers from inside myself about why I self sabotage, as well as some tools to allow myself to stop it. These include writing a letter about my limiting beliefs and then destroying it, and consequently them. I have also been prompted to carry out what I would call a sort of karmic unburdening or an ‘I never said I was sorry’ letter to anyone I have hurt and wish them happiness in their lives, in the hope (yes, it’s a bit dippy hippy, but then I used to be too!) that my apology will go out into the universe and I will have made peace with the universe and the universe will bestow happiness on those people.
At around the same time I started to see Healthy Minds and the lady I saw concluded that I have some serious self esteem issues. As part of this she provided me with some work booklets as homework, partly to understand low self esteem and partly to understand where my low self esteem comes from, which was an eye opener. I now keep three journals (any excuse to buy stationary frankly!).
One is a list of the things I have done each day, no matter how small, as a record to show that when I think I have done precisely fuck all, it is not true.
The second is a thought diary. When I have a thought about myself being worthless, I write it down. I follow a list of questions; what was I doing when I started to feel bad about myself? What were my emotions and bodily sensations? What exactly was going through my mind when I began to fell bad about myself? What was my self defeating behaviour as a consequence of my critical thoughts? Where has this critical voice come from? Me? Someone else? Is it fact or opinion? What would someone else see or make of it? Is there another way of looking at it? And the real game changer, what would I say to friend in the same situation?
The third is a list of things I am positive about each day. Things I am grateful for each day and things that have given me joy each day.
It has all really helped. I now try to think about what I am grateful for before I sleep and when I wake. I try to do a short muscle relaxation before I get up. I have even bought various herbal teas for morning, perking me up during the day and before bed. I have recorded a few affirmations that I play back to myself twice a day (I am not here talking about affirmations to try and ‘attract’ wealth, more that I am grateful, that I am good at my job, that I am worthy of love . . ). Sounds silly, but hearing them out loud not only makes you start to believe them but also makes you think about the truth of them and ways in which you can make them true.
All of it has made me see two important things; first, we tend to over analyse things and look too closely for our flaws. We all have many things to love about ourselves, we are beautiful human beings and we matter and deserve to be happy and loved. Second, I want to be a better person, to others, to myself, spiritually, generally. I want to take better care of myself and others in my life, to be happy and spread that happiness everywhere.
It takes some dedication and often feels self indulgent, but if I can get to a point where I am happy with who I am then spreading happiness should be easy.
The internet is fast becoming something with which I am increasingly frustrated. More accurately, social media. I sign up to various sites/pages and often they are insightful but more often than ever they are full of utter shit. It’s hard to explain, but it’s the stories of ‘hope’ that turn out to be fairly soggy rather than substantial, the signs you should be aware of because you might have something seriously wrong with you (or at least you will think you have after you read them!), the life hacks about beauty products you ‘must’ try, the celebrity bullshit I genuinely could not care less about, the helpful articles telling you that you have been doing every day things incorrectly your entire adult life (and that make you wonder how generations of adults have managed to live as long as they have). Don’t get me started on the ‘you must see this’ posts.
Admittedly, I signed up to these, but they have become less news and things of interest and have descended into the realms of all the ‘stories’ I want to avoid.
Examples from just today, from sites that used to be better:
5 things your sleeping position says about you
15 amazing beauty secrets Moms swear by
Parents reveal things they hope their kids never find out about them
Surprisingly delightful photos of a sexual fetish you never knew existed
These are not from pages/sites which historically have carried stories such as these, but are sites I subscribed to because previously they carried slightly more high brow content.
However, this was not intended to be a rant about the state of shit on the internet, but about one thing I saw today that made me smile. The reason it made me smile was because it is advice that I have been following all of my life. It’s a sad fact that it is also advice that needs to be given. I have not copied the entirety but paraphrased, and added my own perspective.
It was called ‘7 things that don’t impress me anymore’ but for me it should have been titled ‘7 things that never impressed me’.
1.Fashion labels
The author of the article (or post, call it what you will) said that they would never understand why a brand is so important and mirrored my exact feelings on this by saying that people pay to be a billboard on two legs far too often. I have also never understood this; you pay over the odds for a piece of cloth, like any other piece of cloth, and the company then gets free advertising from you. I understand the concept, it is not about the item itself, it is about people seeing that you can afford said item and you will judged to be discerning, or wealthy. Other people’s opinions of me have never really mattered that much, in this regard, and I have more respect for people who look however they choose to based on their personal preferences, plus I tend to think that people decked out in Louis Vuitton this and Christian Dior that are (for want of a better word) a little chavvy. Frankly, owning a pair of Louboutin shoes is one thing, but it is hardly the same as having the money to buy a full on Vivienne Westwood ball gown. It doesn’t show you are rich, just that you spend money on things, rather than experiences and in reality makes it very clear that you are up to your eyes in credit card debt for a handbag which is simply a means of carrying your crap around, like any other handbag.
I often buy kids’ clothes myself, because I am tiny, they are cool, not to mention cheaper!
You see the brand and that’s all
2. Number of carats in jewellery
If you can afford to buy nice jewellery, and want to, I get it. As a keepsake perhaps, or a momento, something that lasts. But not as a status symbol or for competitive means. The jewellery I wear has either been bought as momentos of times in my life, designed by me, or belonged to deceased family members. I do not wear costume jewellery of any sort and certainly wouldn’t spend money on something I was not going to wear everyday and which had memories attached to it. What other people think of the jewellery you wear is of no consequence, it is what you think that counts. That’s why my engagement ring was not about the stones, or the metals, it was about daisies and was designed around them, because I love daisies.
That seems to be sending the right message . . .
3.Price of a car
A car is a car. It gets you from A to B and back again. As long as it works I have a complete and utter failure to understand why anyone would spend the equivalent of a year or more salary on an item, inevitably on very expensive credit, which will only ever decrease in value, and does so immediately after purchase. It is not that I don’t have an appreciation for nice cars, my dad was obsessed with sport cars (not that he ever had one, with one exception, an RS Cosworth, which was turbo chipped and drove like shit off a shovel. I have to admit it was awesome, until it, inevitably, got stolen). I would even like to drive one (you know, if I ever get my licence that is . . .) because I like speed, but I could never own a car as a status symbol. When I see sports cars being driven, usually badly, and often with personalised number plates, my immediate thought is ‘knob’. I remember reading an email from my partner’s ex as part of the divorce where she was insistent that they get a porshe (those ugly 4×4 things, or something like that, so not even a porshe, porshe), not only was this at a time when they were fucking broke, lived in London where there was no need for a car at all, but she also exclaimed that the dealership *would* have it in black when they got there to purchase, or else . . . knob.
We drive an ancient volvo, it gets us to and from where we need to be, has a shit load of space and plenty of room for the dog.
If I had to have a car . . .
4. Square footage of a house
For anyone who reads this regularly, you will know that I am a solicitor and there are a lot of assumptions that come with that. I bought my house 13 years ago. It is a two bed victorian terrace, with a garden and, if you look far enough, a view of the hills. It is even in a conservation area, because it is one of the mill workers houses across from the victorian mill which is now some product distribution centre. I bought it for two reasons, one, it was all I could afford at the time and two, because I loved it as soon as I walked in. It needed work, but it was habitable for the time being, until I could afford to renovate it and that suited me fine. The last thing I wanted was to move into a vanilla magnolia ready made house which was devoid of any and all character. Over the years many people have asked why I don’t buy a bigger house, I am a solicitor after all (to get back to my first point in this paragraph), maybe even to a trendier area. My answer is always the same, because I love my house, I have lovingly restored it and continue to do so, it is full of character. Everyone who has visited say how much they love it and how it feels like a home, and is cosy and cool, and that’s because I bought it as a home, not an investment. I don’t need any more space (and the inevitable pressure to fill that space with crap I don’t need) and I sure as shit don’t need to triple my mortgage payments. I can use my income on better things.
My partner’s ex insisted that they move to a house (and they were renting I should add) that increased their rent from £800 a month to just shy of £4000 a month. At the time he was to all intents and purposes bankrupt on paper and the stress was killing him. Why? They *needed* more space and *needed* to be in the best postcode. Did it improve their lives? Not in the slightest. Did they need more space? No.
My house is a reflection of me and my partner is loving the fact that it is a house I own and that he can help shape with me as a home. If we do ever move to a larger house, it will be for land, for my mini sanctuary/zoo.
5. The size of your bank account
This is not something that has ever concerned me. It’s a bit like inheritance tax, something I will never have enough money to worry about! We don’t have kids anyway, so I don’t feel the need to worry about leaving anything behind, aside from a small amount so my animals are taken care of. I suspect this is more of a London/USA thing, where the first questions people ask are ‘what do you do’ ‘what do you drive’ how much is your house worth’ and ‘how much money do you make’. Frankly I can think of several thousand topics of conversation more interesting than this plus anyone that judges someone based on those criteria is not worth talking to as far as I am concerned. I am with the author of the article who suggests that maybe a number of good deeds we are able to do during our lifetime will be a better measure of worth.
6. A model of smartphone
I have never understood this either. I had a sony walkman phone for years, when everyone else was entering the smart phone age I resisted, and I was heartbroken when my phone died and I had to upgrade. Ever since then I have resisted upgrading as long as possible because it is really fucking frustrating and takes an age to set up. You can’t just take it out of the box and make a sodding phone call anymore. That’s not to say that I don’t love my smartphone, I do; it enables me to work on the go (whether this is a good or bad thing is questionable I suppose) and stay connected to absent friends, but as for the model, I don’t care. I can honestly say that i barely see any difference from one model to the next and I certainly will not be queuing up at midnight or paying for the next model.
7. Photos on social networks
This is a topic I have covered before and that worries me about it is that it causes people huge amounts of anxiety. As the author says, we edit our lives before sharing them on the we. I tend not to, my social networks are an open book mostly, although I am unlikely to post pictures of me doing mundane shit, because it’s unnecessary, not because it doesn’t happen. The author also says that we are quick to accuse magazines and advertising of using photoshop, but we ourselves edit (arguably because of magazines and advertising) and it is true, this inevitably means we compare our blooper reel to the highlight reel of others, which is unfair on us.
All in all, things do not bring happiness and trying to attain happiness by chasing things just begets misery, because you then want more things. happiness and validation come from what you have, not what you don’t have.
The author ends with saying let’s try to impress and inspire people around us not with or things, but with our own lives and experiences. I would edit this slightly, take out reference to impress, you don’t have to impress anyone, but if your experiences, and being authentic, do inspire people then that cannot be a bad thing. Certainly I have never been inspired, or impressed, by bling, people impress and inspire me more by their deeds.
Sometimes you read something very short but it makes you think. Something I read recently made me think about people I know and people further from home. Essentially however, the premise applies to both and both believe that opposite is in fact true, blinded as they are by their own complete belief in the stories they have made up about themselves and who they really are.
Trump is one of these characters, and I have no doubt that many people know characters like this who believe their own version of themselves, despite plenty of physical evidence to the contrary. Often these people will outright deny things when they are presented with irrefutable proof and will one day proclaim that they are sorry, or that only God can judge them, or that they are on the path to a better life having recognised their mistakes, only to ride a coach and horses right through these statements the very next day. The reason is likely because the latter is who they really are, the former is only for show, for whoever is currently listening.
People like this commit atrocities, and yet accuse others of that very same thing. They have brainwashed themselves into believing their version of events. Denial is not just a river in Egypt. They believe they are being trashed, when all that has happened in reality is that the truth has been spoken about them, they have been found out, and that is the biggest possible sin you could commit against them. They might even believe that they have only acted in such a way (the opposite of you, although in their scenario you are the aggressor, not the victim) because destiny or God has entrusted them to do so, and so what the fuck would you know. God told them to do it, so you can, apparently, shove it up your arse. Well, whatever excuse makes you feel better about your shitty behaviour I guess, but that is hardly atonement or repentance. If I treat someone badly and proclaim God made me do it, or for that matter the flower fairies at the bottom of my garden, I guess I am off the hook*. Well, except for the fact that my conscience wouldn’t allow it, and that’s the one thing these people lack. I am unaware of the law simply forgiving crimes because God made them and so that’s OK, no need for an expensive court case or those pesky lawyers who uphold the law . . .
It is almost as though spouting the ‘right’ things on social media proves to their God that they mean it, except by their God, they mean anyone who might believe the truth about them and so nip it the bud. I believe in God so I *must* be good. My understanding about any sort of worship, prayer, spirituality, call it what you will, should be personal, if you truly believe that there is something out there that is bigger than you. My understanding is also that, if you truly believe, everything you do will be heard and seen anyway, deities don’t rely on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. Although maybe today, who knows . . .
These people say God doesn’t make any mistakes, so whatever they have done must therefore have been God’s will, forgetting that whether the particular God they believe in makes mistakes or not, people do and religion usually has words buried not too deeply in the various texts that say people should at least apologise. If I were sitting in that position I would also be quite fucking cross at people thinking they could carry out whatever destruction they like in my name because it is what I meant. Oh, wait, that happens all the time, sadly. I have said it before, and will say it again, the Bible (or whatever religious text you read) is allegorical in my opinion and boils down to help others and don’t be a dick. Some people are not even capable of that, but it’s OK, they have religion. Frankly, I am an atheist, and I don’t need a book to tell me not to be a dick, or when I am in fact being a dick. Common fucking sense folks.
It is those people who are busy trying to find excuses, blaming others and generally trying to project who are insecure and weak, so they prey on the good nature of others and are horrified when those people discover the truth about them. Their religion has not provided them with comfort, why? Because they are not truly sorry, and so forget religion, it is only when you have a conscience that you can start to feel better about what you have done. Quote scripture and proclaim to live a ‘holy’ life all you like, but until you start living it, or even just living like a decent human being, none of it will make the slightest difference to your life.
What was interesting about what I have been reading is that premise that these people were not born this way and I do believe that. No one is born to destroy the lives of others, they become that person. The thing with that is that one must then also believe that they don’t have to stay that person, if they truly do not want to. They were not born the monster under the bed, they became it. It also suggested that one should not fear them, but what created them, and I pondered this for a while.This on one hand seems again like excuses. It wasn’t me it was my childhood/illness etc,. so these people cannot be held responsible for their actions, we should in fact fear their . . . mother? Instead we should forgive these people because it is not their fault. You can do this to a point, that point being when they repeat the same pattern with you, and with others, because then it becomes a choice.
On the other hand there is an element of truth to it. When I think about the people I have had experience of, personally and political figures, there is fear. What has created these people is a way of life that has become about the superficial, the immediate, a lifestyle of using people for personal gain, of a throw away culture, a culture where cash is king and is believed to bring happiness. In some part they have learned what they have learned from others, from seeing bad behaviour go unpunished because the perpetrators are rich or powerful, this coupled with a culture of people believing that they are also entitled to riches and power means that they believe they can get away with it too. It is a culture of you don’t have to mean it, as long as you say it and, conversely, just because you said it doesn’t mean you meant it. People such as this, regardless of the reasons for them being the way they are, seem to have simply forgotten, or have perhaps never understood, how to be a decent human being. They are so busy projecting outwards that they don’t look inwards. They are seen to be a good person and never really question whether they actually are a good person.
For me, this is something I question constantly and I am never happy that I am a good enough person, and that’s not because of any external factors, simply down to my personal barometer as to whether I have helped someone today, or been honest or kind, not whether I have been seen to be those things, because that is not what being a good person is about.
*I did once find a flower fairy, at the bottom of my garden, as a kid. The doll kind, not an actual fairy. It never told me to do anything, it was just a doll.
I think I am having a crisis. Not a midlife crisis, or a crisis of faith, more a crisis of humanity perhaps. I am not sure what to call it to be honest.
For months now I have been consumed by the concept of being a better person, helping others, recognising in myself past behaviours which I could not even begin to contemplate repeating now. This is not to say that I think I am bad person, overall, but that I think I could be a better person.I always try to be kind and generous, but now there are additional layers I am adding. I want to help people, I no longer want to lie at all (not that I lie, but I mean little white lies, fibs, that sort of thing). Essentially I want to do things differently and do my part to make the world a better place.
Much of this I suspect comes of the various self care methods I have been using. I have been working on my self esteem, writing lists of the things I have done each day to try and see that I am achieving things even when my depression tells me I am not. I have managed to incorporate small things, things that I was struggling with, such as brushing my teeth before bed, getting up in the mornings, into my life as a routine and they have stuck and that has allowed me to make room for a few more things, and slowly this will grow. I have a thought diary for when I have thoughts about not being good enough and this allows me, through a list of 5 questions, to challenge the truth of my thoughts. I have a positivity, joy and gratitude list, I meditate and practice mindfulness. I am working on my innate ability to self sabotage and reading about synchronicity.
I feel as though I am getting closer to who I am, who I want to be, but I am not quite there yet.
My partner turned to God a few years ago. Not in a born again kind of way, and he doesn’t attend church but more out of a feeling of despair about his life, a life that was awful and undeserved. He was looking for hope, a way to be a better person (not that he needed to be) and be told he was actually a good person, because he was only ever told that he was not. He was made to feel worthless and cut off from anyone who might dispel that notion. In some ways it helped him, the idea that it wasn’t all in his control perhaps, or that things would get better, but it also did not help, because things got worse. This was not helped by turning to people within his ex partner’s circle who were self proclaimed pastors, and who were too close to really help and who was also taking advantage of my partner financially. My partner was, I think, looking for light in the darkness.
I am not looking for light in the dark, I am not in crisis, I think I am looking for a place where I can comfortably sit. Arguably I could sit exactly where I am and do good, but part of me is looking to share how I feel with like-minded people.
What I am searching for is a mish mash of things. Something that incorporates kindness and giving, that offers positive social action. That follows routes such as karma, synchronicity, spirituality, mindfulness, a connection with the world.A non judgemental environment which does not dismiss the beliefs of others, that is about living a good life, but not in a pious or holier-than-thou way. I am not really searching for religion; I do not believe in God. I do however feel a spiritual connection with the world.
I try, more and more, to do my small part. Yesterday I gave all my change to a homeless chap in Manchester and chatted to him about whether he had somewhere to stay (it is fucking freezing and I pity anyone who has to sleep on the streets). Luckily he has an arrangement with a B&B which will also accept his dog. I then bought the chap selling the big issue a coffee (I had no change then) and the coffees came with free biscuits, which we both gave to his dog. He is staying on a mate’s sofa who is happy for him to do so, again I was pleased for him. All in all it cost me very little but it meant a great deal to these two fellows.
I also returned a glove that someone had dropped on bus. They are little things but they can make all the difference in the world to someone. I have been placing post its in random places too, with nice things written on them in the hope that someone, who might be having a crappy day, might feel just that little bit better.
There is a small part of me that wonders if this is because I am disillusioned with the world. I have become disenchanted with social media because it so often seems to be so full of shit that I don’t want to read. I am not talking about things friends say about their lives, I love hearing about what is going on in people’s lives, more that many of the people commenting on things seem to be gossamer thin, they are often a bit emperor’s new clothes, or self aggrandising, or peppered with little white lies or exaggerations. They are desperate for acceptance as an intellectual, or otherwise seeking validation or an ego boost. There is also so much superficiality online, to distract people from what really matters. For my part, I can’t say I am immune to these things, it is the human condition, but I do know that I know enough to know I don’t know enough.
Some try hiding behind their God, excusing bad behaviour by quoting scripture but not practising what they preach. They repent but without restitution, which I am not certain can truly be repentance. Although if my partner’s ex was to provide the restitution set out in the bible, he would be rich, assuming that the multiplication is financial, rather than livestock, although I wouldn’t turn down four sheep instead, I like sheep.
“If a man steals an ox or a sheep and slaughters it or sells it, he must pay back five head of cattle for the ox and four sheep for the sheep. . . . A thief must certainly make restitution, but if he has nothing, he must be sold to pay for his theft. If the stolen animal is found alive in his possession—whether ox or donkey or sheep—he must pay back double. If a man grazes his livestock in a field or vineyard and lets them stray and they graze in another man’s field, he must make restitution from the best of his own field or vineyard. If a fire breaks out and spreads into thornbushes so that it burns shocks of grain or standing grain or the whole field, the one who started the fire must make restitution. . . If a man borrows an animal from his neighbor and it is injured or dies . . . he must make restitution”
I have researched places where I think I might fit. The Quakers seem to be almost perfect; non judgemental, open minded, mindful, kind and socially active. They don’t talk of God in the religious sense, more about the God within. The problem is that I don’t believe in God and the Quaker faith is rooted in Christianity. I like the concept of Buddhism, I took a Buddhism course a few years ago, but I don’t feel they promote positive social action. I have researched Humanism, but they reject the spiritual. There doesn’t seem to be a fourth option of Humanist Buddhist Quaker.
Arguably I can be all of these things alone, and do my part in my own ways. I give to charity each month, I try and help others, I work for charities, I am a good listener, I am waiting to hear about mentoring opportunities with young girls and women and there is so much more I could do, but I am not sure I want to do it alone. Not because I need to belong to a group, but because I need to know that there are others out there who are striving to make the world a better place, and in that regard, there is strength in numbers.
Mostly for me it is a shift inside of me that wants to do better. Maybe it’s the unease of the times when bigotry and small mindedness and a change in the atmosphere that I can actually feel requires me to do something to avoid the mistakes of history repeating itself. I want to be calm and have inner and outer peace, for myself and for others. I want to present, and fun, and happy. I want to be fearless, enlightened, wise, honest and kind. And I want to know that other people want these things as well.
I was just reading a post on Facebook about how small decisions have changed people’s lives and it got me thinking about my partner and I.
If you have read my blog before, you will know that we met at school when I was 16 and he was 17 and became the best of friends, and he was in love with me, but I was engaged at 17 to someone else. Anyway, over the years we drifted apart and then he got married about ten years ago and was no longer allowed to contact me.
Anyway, two years ago he had left his now ex wife and was trying to rebuild his life and sent me a message. This was somewhat out of the blue, because we had not been in contact for some years. I had messaged him when I discovered him on Facebook a few years previously, and I received an odd message back. Turns out the reason it was odd was because he didn’t send it, his ex wife did in a bid to make it clear how deliriously happy they were. After that she blocked me.
The thing is, had he not messaged me, we would not be where we are today.We get married in about six months and he is happier than he has ever been. Our lives have changed in momentous but small ways.
A drop in a lake can have far reaching ripples and sometimes it is the smallest choice that makes a difference. He messaged me to apologise for the Facebook message I had received and to try to get back in touch with friends that he had been forbidden for years to contact.
For me, aside from clearly being together, that decision has had a huge impact on my life. Not just in terms of being in my relationship but I have discovered so much about myself since. I love to cook and bake, paint and write, make things and restore things. My home is a different home now, I am decorating and proud of of my little house.
Children in Need charity baking
When I left my old job I took a little time off and when I started job hunting I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. My area of expertise is very niche and I thought perhaps a change was in order, but coincidentally I also received an email about my now current job. They were looking for someone to head up a new department and were deciding about which way they wanted to go. They weren’t necessarily looking for my area at the time but they were open to having a chat. Nearly three years later and I am in a job I love, which I had reservations about in terms of ‘can I really head up a department’ and which has afforded me so much opportunity and a new way of life.
I know I have mentioned it before, but the Celestine Prophecy talks about coincidences and how we should not ignore them and in fact should pay more attention to them and I think this is a philosophy worth keeping in mind. The book is not only talking about big coincidences but also small ones, such as chance meetings, that person you end up talking to on the bus for example. It talks in terms of each person you meet is not a coincidence and that they have a message for you, or maybe you for them. I can’t say that I always remember to follow this philosophy, it’s like all things, only after repetition does it sink in, but I do try.
People talk about books that have changed their lives, and whilst I cannot say that the Celestine Prophecy changed my life drastically, it certainly had an impact, and I re-read it regularly. Over time, things sink in.
This has also reminded me that I need to re-read Jenny Lawson’s Furiously Happy, another book that had a profound effect on me and the way in which I view and deal with my depression. It was this book which made me stop fighting my depression and in some way welcome it instead. It allowed me to see it differently and just go with the bad days and make the most of the good days. When you are fighting depression it exhausts you, if you don’t fight it it has less power. As with the Celestine Prophecy, I have taken this on board but I don’t always remember it and so maybe it is time to pick that book up once more and remind myself so that it sinks in more each time.
Life has a funny way of throwing things in your path and it is easy sometimes to get so concerned about those things that you might miss the opportunity that they bring. I am as guilty of this as anyone and so I am certainly not saying that I am some nauseating optimist who never sees things as just shit, I most certainly do. It varies; some days my glass is half full, others half empty and then there are the days where there is no fucking glass, or days where I have an abundance of glasses. What I am trying to learn is just to be present. It’s not easy for an overthinker, but if you are present, then however full, or empty, the glass is, it is just a moment and it will pass, but you can just take it for what it is and make the most of it. Being present is in fact harder than I thought, mindfulness has helped a lot, but it is a long journey. What I am trying to do is just enjoy each moment as it is, and know that shit moments will pass. I am getting better at it, and some of that is down to the changes in my life over the last two years. Despite the hell we went through to get to this point, I no longer feel as though I am wasting my life, just trudging through each day, knowing that the next one will be much like the last and seeing days turn into weeks, then months, then years, and nothing changing. I no longer want to miss out on opportunities, whether they are big or small. As daft as it may sound, it’s the small opportunities that often have the biggest impact, such as my suddenly trying my hand at furniture restoration! I am enjoying it though, and that’s what counts.
The last couple of days have felt pretty good. for the first time in a long long time I have been able to get up when I woke up and at a much more reasonable time. My partner and I were only this morning talking about how normal life finally seems to be and how we are beginning to pick up the pieces.
Of course that’s where it all went wrong. I am fatalistic, in the sense that if I start to think things might be going well I am fairly fucking certain that I am tempting fate and something is about to go meteor-hitting-the-earth wrong. It’s a hard habit to break. Why? Because I am usually right. Or maybe it’s a self fulfilling prophecy. I don’t know.
Anyway, it started badly when something crawled out of the woodwork for my partner which happened at a time when he was at his lowest point and was not sure how he would ever survive, courtesy of his delightful and charming ex who could not have given a flying fuck about him. It’s not the end of the world, but because of something at a time when he could barely function on a daily basis, he now has to deal with it. I know where I lay the blame.
I then managed to get an appointment at the doctors, on the same day! My luck must have turned around. Wrong. Sort of.
I had to go for an update on my dodgy leg (the right one). That seems to be getting better and I can start to reduce the dosage of the fibromyalgia meds and see how I get on. However, yesterday and today my left leg and hip has been playing up. Turns out I have bursitis. I have been told it might go as quickly as it arrived and so a watching brief is in order, because otherwise it is a steroid injection, which will wreak havoc with my blood sugar level. Then there’s my blood sugar. It is now the highest it has ever been and I know that the reason for this showing up now is that it is the last two years catching up with me because it’s a slow burn for bad self care to finally make itself apparent in your HbA1C. It is also likely that the carpal tunnel has been exacerbated by the high blood sugar and that the problem with my leg could also be a diabetic complication.
Now I know that this rests at my door. I am the only one who is responsible for ensuring that my blood glucose levels are within range and getting some exercise (that helps lower my blood sugar, and I would dearly love to get back to the gym, but my leg prevents it, but I might not have the leg problem if I could exercise and lower my blood sugar . . . can anyone give me an arrgghh??) but with the exception of the last few months, it has been nigh on impossible for the last two years. Why? Well, I suffered from depression worse than I have ever suffered since I was diagnosed at 21, I left my husband, he met someone else and had a baby, which upset me more than I expected, given that I don’t want kids, but I can’t have them so . . . I started a relationship with a man who lived miles away, he was suffering from depression and anxiety due to his situation and was barely able to concentrate on anything at all because of demands being made by his ex, he was being harassed, he was facing bankruptcy and the prospect of losing his job, we were subjected to smear campaign after smear campaign and had to deal with his ex almost daily which was exhausting beyond belief and were in court more times than I have been in my whole fucking career as a barrister or a solicitor. I barely slept for 18 months and when I did I was woken up by nightmares. I was in a constant state of high anxiety. I barely ate. Apart from my partner I had literally no one to talk to; I was threatened, called names, such as an ugly jealous whore, I had to hear every last detail of the abuse my partner suffered in his marriage and pore over a catalogue of lies. I lost weight, I stopped exercising, I stopped being meticulous about my insulin injections . . . in short, I don’t think it is any surprise that I lost control of my health.
Effects of harassment
My doctor was very good about it, but I came out feeling like shit. I am more than aware of the complications that diabetes brings with it. It pisses me off royally when people talk about diet and exercise because I calculate my insulin to match what I eat and whilst exercise lowers my blood sugar, it will not grow me back a fucking pancreas. It was down to poor management by me. This sends me into a tailspin because I am to blame, but there were extenuating circumstances which were having an effect on other areas of my health, but then it sounds as though I am making excuses, so it comes back to ‘get your bloody finger out woman’, which of course does not sit well with my depression and anxiety.
As I am typing this I feel like a mass of contradictions. The bottom line is that now I need to be sure that I take care of my health from now on. I am angry that someone I don’t know has affected my life in such a way, I am angry that I let this happen. I am especially angry that this person was someone claiming, as early as February this year, to be so ill as to be almost bed bound and depressed and might not survive and so would need financial assistance forever, which is part of what made life so hard for us, and yet seems to have recovered so as to earn their own money since February, when my partner had to declare bankruptcy because of these self same things, and go on holiday to the USA. It. Fucks, Me. Off.
I am depressed as hell because if it was as easy as ‘right, let’s get on with it’ I would have done so, and yet determined that this is what I must do. I have been so good with self care lately that I am irritated because now I am starting to put a list of things I must do together in my head, which is the thing that makes me anxious because when I don’t do those things and I beat myself up about not doing them. It all ends up being a vicious circle and the end result is, frankly, not good. I have regrets about the last two years insofar as it has led to this and angry that I have taken care of people and yet not been taken care of, yet it has also led to so many great and wonderful things. I am kicking myself because I knew this was coming and yet depressed because I also knew I couldn’t stop it. I am dreading what will happen if I don’t make changes, and anxious that I might not be able to, as well as hearing that voice in my head telling that I could have avoided this if I just got my finger out and stopped procrastinating and blaming circumstances and that I have no excuse and nothing to blame but my own laziness and ineptitude and inability to cope with life, like a big fat failure.
My partner would tell me that I have ‘big brain’ problems. Too much brain leads to overthinking and this is indeed quite a substantial amount of overthinking. The depressed part of my brain right now though is trying hard to slip in other things, such as well, you failed at this but what about all those other things that you are failing at, such as you have a fuck tonne of work to do, but it’s already 7pm and you have wasted the last hour doing cock all. You do know that you can’t do this don’t you? And by this I mean anything. I just checked my work emails and felt a moment of despair setting in that I can’t do it, I just can’t, based on nothing more than the voices in my head.
The answer I know is to give myself a break. My poor health has caught up with me but it does not mean it is irreversible. I can do it, but I need to understand that I don’t have to do it all at once. The past is the past and in order to move on I need to try and forget it, as far as I am able and concentrate on the future. Being angry at the past only hurts me and I cannot change it, I am not Marty McFly. Or Cher.
I know that I need to finally let go of the past. It has been getting much better but there are days when it gnaws at me still and that, I believe, just aids and abets illness, it’s whether I can stop it that is the question.What I want to do, rather than need, because that makes it sound like a ‘must’ and if I fail any aspect of a ‘must’ then it’s game over, is start getting some exercise, continue to be as meticulous as I have been with my medication, try and get up in the mornings and go to bed at a reasonable hour, continue with the routines I have been building for myself for the last couple of months, allow myself a break when required, ask for help and hope it is given without it becoming another thing to add to the list (the problem with high functioning depression and anxiety is that people help and then forget that despite appearances, you are not OK and still need help), keep up with my self care. I want (I nearly typed need . . . ) to tell myself that this is not the end of the world. It is a fraction in time and is not irreversible. I can combat the health problems and get back to the self I used to be, with a bit of the new self thrown in. I do needthe doubting voices to be still though …
It’s time to close all the unnecessary browser tabs that are open in my head, those marked doubt, fear, the past, panic, hopeless, perfectionism and so on and try to concentrate on just one tab at a time.
Today is the three year anniversary of leaving my last job, after just shy of ten years.
I had no idea what I was going to do. No plan at all. But I did go out and get very drunk. I blame one of my close friends who started the night with tequila shots, insisted I kept up with him on the beer drinking and then we sampled much of the cocktail list.
I was humbled by the number of people that came to my leaving drinks and by those who stayed to the bitter, drunken-falling-off-a-pouffe end, not only people I worked with but friends and family. I was also humbled by the lovely leaving gifts and kind words. I held back the tears, although I did nearly cry when the lovely chap who is the office manager hugged me, because he is a true gentleman and all round good chap.
It started me thinking about the last three years and they have not been easy. I am not going to rehearse why, it has been well documented in this blog.
My partner and I were however talking about how there are certain people we simply could not have been without because of their fantastic support and understanding. For both of us two standout people are our respective bosses. For my partner, the owner of his firm and for me, my managing partner. When we were going through hell they didn’t give up on us and in fact provided help and support above and beyond the level at which most people would have done.
Then there are other colleagues, who we also are honoured to call friends, without whom we might have been crushed under the weight of everything. They gave us advice, they distracted us, they told us we weren’t crazy and that the situation was untenable. They made us tea and listened to what we were going through and provided some normality in the midst of the ridiculous.
Then there are our friends. I know that we have both been surprised by those people who have supported us, who have accepted the changes in our lives without judgement. These often came from unexpected sources. There were of course others who simply fell off the radar, or who made judgements without knowing the true facts. People did say to me that I would be surprised by who supports me and who judged and they were right.
In any event, this doesn’t have to be a bad thing, it does mean that I have discovered some amazing people who before were just on the periphery of my life.
My life has also changed a great deal. For the best mostly, at least since my partner finally managed to get shot of the queen of me me me. Life is good. Life is more straightforward and calmer and I have discovered a host of things I can do, new skills, new self esteem (well, some days). I have been able to take better care of myself and of my surroundings. None of this can be a bad thing and the friends who have seen the changes in me are overwhelmingly happy for me. They have never seen me happier or more settled or positive. They praise me on all the things I have discovered I like to do, most of them have had my cooking and homemade gifts foisted upon them!
Do I miss those people who used to be in my life? Yes, of course, but I can’t mourn their loss forever. In any event things would be unlikely to be the same now because things have changed. I have changed. I will always keep the good memories though.
Life moves on and often that means both gains and losses but it doesn’t invalidate the past. Good memories are something to hold onto but the present is about making new memories.
I am not going to make it 